"Maybe It's a Sign!" (He's Just Not That Into You Part II)

I don't know about you, but I have heard everyone and their grandmother say this to their friends-especially those of us who are dating.  I know I personally have been guilty of saying it, probably more times than I can count. 

Just the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about a new guy she liked and was starting to date.  She was telling me of some random things about him...you know things like,  "His favorite show is Psych too! And he even loves listening to Frank Sinatra!"  And I found myself saying "Hey! Maybe it's a sign!" As soon as it escaped my lips I instantly felt weird about it. This time it made me cringe. 

I got to thinking why I might have had this reaction. Why would I feel hesitant and slightly guilty for exclaiming this out of my own excitement? After all, she is a dear friend, and she might have found a guy who could be "THE ONE." 

It kind of came to me as I was thinking about the movies 500 Days of Summer. There's a scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom, is talking to his little sister, Rachel, about Summer, the girl who he thought was "the one," but had broken his heart. 

Tom: "She likes Magritte and Hopper. And we talked about Bananafish for like 20 minutes. We're so compatable it's insane! ..."

Rachel: "Oh boy."

Tom: "What?"

Rachel: "Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate..."

Then I got thinking of the opening scene on He' Just Not That Into You. The whole thing is DEAD on. Seriously, watch here:

I know for me personally, I am always SO excited for my friends who find good guys they want to date. I love these girls with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have their dreams come true of finding Mr. Right.  I try to cheer them on and be a big support and encourage them in their dating lives. Just like they do for me. But there comes a point when there is a line that is SO easy to cross. It is so easy to get so excited that we miss the facts. The rose colored glasses go on and I think we get so distracted by finding guys who have similar tastes and/or beliefs as us that we can miss red flags and other issues that might exist with a potential match. Because let's face it, it IS exciting to find guys who you have a lot in common with. But like Amanda was talking about in her last post, it is easy to fall for an the ideal you have built up of a man. Which also makes it easier for a bigger letdown if things don't work out. 

Then there's the fact that we take things that are negative, like a guy not calling, and make excuses by saying "It's probably because he lost your number!" or "I am sure he was just really busy this weekend!" and we comfort ourselves with these things, make too many allowances for too long, and think it's acceptable behavior. We just re-adjust those rosey glasses and hang on for dear life to the "good signs" like how he brought you those flowers that one time a few months ago and you ALWAYS  wanted a guy who brings you flowers. 

As an example from my own dating life, I fell in love with a guy who I thought was "the one." There were "signs" all over the place.  And as I look back on it, I took things and made them into signs more than I'd like to admit because I was so head-over-heels and I SO wanted him to be "the one." I prayed about it, I felt like my answer was yes, he was who God wanted me to be with. Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't understand why we weren't going to end up together. I mean, everything I knew pointed to him. I prayed about it, the signs were there, everything. But nonetheless he was not meant to be "the one" for me after all. Long story short I feel like God had told me yes still, but you can't control other's use of their own free will and agency. If he had chosen to keep his promises to me, and act on what he knew was right and be the man who I was going to spend my life with it would have been a yes. But he chose not to. And I couldn't change that. God won't force anyone, it isn't His way. He places people, answers to prayers, and opportunities in our lives for us, it's up to us what we do with them.

The funny thing is, I probably got as many, if not more, signs pointing away from this boy, telling me it wasn't a good idea. But because I was in love and took other silly things as "signs" I ignored the real ones telling me I should just walk away. I have seen it happen with my friends too. When you find someone who you are interested in it becomes easy to focus on these "signs" that we should be with this person... 

i.e. they like the same music, they have the same goals, they share the same beliefs, they treat you with respect, they say things you like, etc. 

It makes it more confusing if things sour between the two of you. You wonder why the signs were there in the first place. You doubt whether signs exist at all.

But I believe they do exist, for good and for bad. I just think we misread them or give them way too much credit too quickly, without really getting to know someone first . Because the truth is you WILL find guys who like the same "bizarro crap" you do. You WILL find guys you have great chemistry with. You WILL want to take every little detail and make it into a sign because you really like them. BUT that doesn't make them your soul mate. It doesn't mean that you won't find it again. Use caution and see people for who they really are, and how they really  treat you. Look for the signs that are not only endearing, but enduring. Things that will last a lifetime and beyond. Don't just follow your heart blindly, you're head needs to go along for the ride as well.

One for the Boys

   

"Super BF" (Fancy Doodle by Amanda)

He's just a man...

  He's sweet, he's chivalrous, he's passionate, he's handsome.... the list goes on! He loves god, respects his parents, and volunteers to help others. Great! He's a hopeless romantic who writes you poems, brings you flowers, and serenades you from outside your bedroom window. Or maybe he's tall, dark, and handsome, with a six figure income. He's everything you've ever imagined in a dream guy and seems perfect in every way! Either way, when we meet a nice guy that seems to have everything we are looking for, we tend to embellish it a bit and forget the fact that they are just normal human beings.

In the past, I have been totally guilty of this. Sometimes when a good guy comes along, I subconsciously uphold him to an almost god-like status. I hang onto all of the little details that are good and tend to overlook the negatives. I forget that he is flawed and has struggles on a daily basis just like I do. While it is okay to daydream and be lovestruck at times, it is important to get your head out of the clouds every once in awhile.

I'm pretty sure I am not the only offender of this sort of thing. ;)

There are a few reasons as to why this 
mindset can be dangerous:

1.) First and foremost, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It is very important not to put all of your faith into a person, because they are bound to let you down at some point in your life. If you view your man as some perfect entity, the day he messes up you are going to come crashing down and be taken off guard. Don't get me wrong, there are some really great guys out there. But despite all of the great things about them, they have struggles on a daily basis, and they will mess up. Even the kindest, smartest, most god-fearing, man is going to have bad days and the are going to sometimes say hurtful things or make poor choices. Ultimately we should be placing our trust and confidence in God, because he is the only one that will never let us down. 

He is the only constant.

2.) The moment you start to build someone up too high, you are opening up a gateway to total emotional dependance. In the past, I got completely wrapped up in this one guy and started to build my life around him. In the midst of our time together, I kept my rose colored glasses on and chose to only see the good. I depended on him for my emotional security. I used him as my crutch to get through hard times. I was so infatuated with him that I overlooked completely absurd things that he did and I allowed him to treat me like dirt. I bent over backwards for him and if he said, "jump!" I'd ask, "how high??" When things between us went sour and he was no longer part of my life, I initially felt helpless. I truly thought that I needed him to help me navigate through life. I couldn't imagine going on without him by my side. I spent a solid six months in a mini-coma, freaking out and sulking because I didn't know how to "do life" without him to guide me.

3.) It puts a lot of pressure on your man. I'm pretty positive that guys can sense when we are expecting too much from them. It is stressful trying to live up to such high standards. I think in some cases this is what can cause guys to push away and/or run in the opposite direction. They sense that you uphold them to such a high standard and it freaks them out a little bit. Now I'm all for equality of the sexes and I would even consider myself to be a slight feminist, but in a lot of cases, it is still up to the guy to be the leader of the household. A lot of times, more weight is put on him to be the "bread-winner" and the problem solver. My last ex once said to me, "You deserve more than I can give you. I'm not a perfect guy. I have so much to work on. Sometimes I feel like you could do better than me." I think his main issue was the fact that he was really feeling the pressure when he thought about our future together and what he thought he was capable of bringing to the table. I think ultimately this thought process was what caused him to get cold feet and push away. We were both at fault. He was such a talented, sweet, caring, guy and so I got wrapped up in him and treated him like he was the most perfect person I'd ever met in my life. He got caught up in trying to live up to the reputation, lost confidence along the way, and caved under the pressure.

All in all, my main point is to remind us all to come back down to earth every now and then. Cut your man some slack and make sure that you let him know that you don't expect perfection from him, and that you still love him unconditionally despite the fact that he has weaknesses and flaws. Once you take your man off of his pedestal and view each other on the same level keeping in mind that you both are just imperfect beings, it leads to much more realistic expectations. Even for us single ladies on the prowl, it is good for us to keep this in mind while seeking potential partners. Keeping a realistic perspective on things will help you to have a healthier more satisfying relationship in the long-run. And last but not least, build your foundation around God, 

the only one who will never ever fail you.