What Not To Say to Someone Who's Going Through A Break Up Part 1

You know what? I HATE the word "just."  I don't really think it ever bothered me until I started dating...
"JUST wait, he'll call!"
"He's gonna ask you out, JUST you wait..."
blah blah blah...
But I think I really started hating it after getting dumped.  It seems like a harmless, everyday 4 letter word. But when thrown in random, half-hearted pep talks from friends, family, and sadly, acquaintances & co workers that barely know you, it is far from harmless. It's downright hurtful and insulting.
If you have a friend who is going through a break up, I beg you, PLEASE do not let any of the phrases slip out of your mouth, no matter how well-intentioned.

"JUST GET OVER IT"
Telling someone who has just had their heart broken to "just get over it" is one of the most hurtful things you can say.  It cheapens the confusion, anger, and pain they are going though. Like it is something as simple as a spill...just clean it up, the mess is gone, no one will know it ever happened.
Easy. Simple. Clean. Quick.  Sorry, but that is not the way it works.  Everyone going through a break up is going to take the time they individually need to heal from the hurt and the loss. Some people are faster than others, it depends on the length and depth of the relationship.  So take that into account and don't try to make them feel like they shouldn't be hurting, even after (blank) amount of time. Which leads to...

"YOU JUST NEED TO GET BACK OUT THERE"
This one is not only stupid, but dangerous.  When you get a small cut on your finger, do you take out a knife and cut a little deeper to make it better? No. You get a band-aid and slap that sucker on and let the bleeding stop. Sometimes it takes a while to heal.  And it can leave a scar.  See where I'm going with this? When a relationship ends there's obvious hurt and loneliness involved.  There is the temptation to get right back out there and jump into a relationship with the next available human to assuage the hurt, to fill the gap left by someone who walked away.  Trust me, I've tried that, and it was a huge mistake.  Just talk to my mom who had to talk me down on the phone as I was bawling, hyperventilating, and having a very scary panic attack driving home from my first date "back out there."  Sadly, that is how I learned it was too soon for me to try and date again, and it is how a lot of people learn. But, everyone needs to learn on their own and not feel pressure from their friends and family telling them THEY JUST NEED TO GET BACK OUT THERE. Everyone is going to take different amounts of time, and that is OKAY. Don't make them feel like they are broken (they are probably already feeling that way without you telling them) because they don't feel ready in what you think is an appropriate amount of time to put their heart on the line again.

"TIME WILL HEAL ALL WOUNDS, JUST YOU WAIT"
Ok, yes, I admit, time helps when healing a broken heart, mostly because memories fade. The shooting pain gets replaced with a dull ache, then eventually gets lessened to a slight pang every now and again. But the tricky part about time is...how do you know when it's been enough? Jimmy got dumped, he seemed to feel ok within a month or two. Lisa was torn up for about 6 months after ending her relationship.  Suzy said she was fine after a few weeks. And you know what? That's great for Jimmy, Lisa, and Suzy.  But you cannot measure what is right for you based on what is right for someone else. That only leads to frustration. Don't put a timetable on hurt, and don't put a timetable on healing. Everyone is on their own timetable for these things. AND THAT'S OKAY. Nobody needs to be made to feel rushed or guilty or faulty because they aren't healing as fast as others.


To sum up part one : never use the word "just" when pep-talking someone. Don't make people feel bad for how long they need to heal. Don't try to fix broken hearts by throwing them in with another one too soon.
Instead: go buy some tissues, candy, ice cream, chocolate, aroma therapy candles, a nice card and go be with your friend prepared to cry, support, and talk as much as needed.

#FOREVERALONE

"You're going to be single forever."

I hear this phrase come out of people's mouths a lot... 

I am a completely happy 24 year old single woman.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being single... But just because I am enjoying my life no matter what the circumstances, doesn't mean that I want to be single forever.  I think that sometimes because I am so independent, people automatically assume that I don't want a relationship. That's not that case at all. I would welcome a healthy relationship with open arms if it came my way. The thing is, relationships can be hard to come by, and healthy relationships are even more difficult to find. There are decent men out there, but it seems you have to sift through a plethora of bad ones to find a good one. Even if you do find a good one, it doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you are compatible. To be honest, I would rather hold out for something good, than settle for something sub-par, even if that means waiting longer than "average".  

Because of my propensity towards singleness, I think people have begun to jump to conclusions about my life. They either A: Assume that I want to be single forever; or B: Assume that I have been single for so long because of something I'm doing wrong.

 I've heard all sorts of lovely advice from all kinds of people. I know people mean well, but they have no clue just how callous it can come off.

"If you don't change _____ you're going 

to be single forever"

"How are you ever going to find a man when you keep such a busy schedule?"

"If you keep that kind of attitude, you're 

never going to get married"

"If you ever want to fall in love, you're going 

to have to learn to be more vulnerable."

"You're just too picky. If you don't lower your standards you're going to be single forever."

"You need to put yourself out there more."

"If you don't learn to trust people, 

you're going to be single forever."

"You're never going to find a man 

if you keep that up."

"You would think that by your age you would be in 

more of a hurry to find a man."

I know sometimes people have good intentions by throwing their "advice" out there, or they may just be trying to make a joke, but telling a woman that she is going to be single forever is just a bad thing to say. I seriously wish I had a dollar for every time i've been told that in my young/mid 20's. 

The thing is, words like that have resonance. 

It's psychologically proven that if you tell a person something about themselves enough times, even if they know it's not true, they may actually start to believe it. You could have a very beautiful woman standing in a room in front of a group of people, and if they all told her that she was ugly, she would probably start second guessing how people perceived her outward appearance. 

All of the things I have listed above have been said to me at some point in time.

Although I tend to have a tough outer shell and don't like to show people my weaknesses very often, I'm actually pretty insecure. I don't need people telling me all the reasons why I can't seem to find a man. You don't think that I haven't already fed myself those lies at some given point in time?

We can sort of control the path our life goes down, 

but only to a certain degree. 

I could have been the person that met my highschool sweetheart at age 17 and stuck with them, but my life's circumstances didn't turn out that way. We are all going to go down different paths, and we are all going to have "milestones" at different times. 

There is no right or wrong time to fall in love and get married. I think a lot of times our society pushes too much for people to find the "love of their life" and get married before 30. It's as if there is some invisible expiration date stamped on every woman's forehead, "Best if used before age 30". Well let me tell you, it is not a race! Sometimes really great people don't find that right relationship for a very long time, and it has nothing to do with their character or actions. I'm convinced that the right guy hasn't come along for me yet either. One day someone will notice this diamond in the rough! ;) 

What if we started being more considerate of people's feelings and started building them up instead of tearing them down? We should start telling single women all of the things that make them beautiful inside and out, instead of telling them what they need to fix to become worthy of a man. It is all a matter of perspective. Love can just be an added bonus to an already fulfilling life.  So all in all, don't get caught up in the race and lose yourself along the way. Love may come tomorrow, or it may come 20 years down the line; either way, the quality of love can be the same. And remember, we are all valuable human beings with purpose, with or without a relationship.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Single (Part I)

I know EVERYONE who is single has at one time or another had those absolutely fun, pleasant, completely unsolicited conversations with friends, acquaintances, and hey, COMPLETE STRANGERS about their love lives.  You attend a wedding without a date, at work in the break room everyone is talking about their girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, or kids and you stay quiet, you're at a party making small talk with people and somehow someone inevitably finds out your single. No big deal right? Riiiiiight. Then someone well-meaningly annoyingly feels the need to help you out, to share their genius into all things relationship, to rescue you from your poor, pitiful, lonely, single state. YOU LUCKY DOG YOU. 

These are just some of the gems I have heard from people who are trying to save me from a life full of lonely nights, cat obsessions, netflix binging, and chocolate indulgence that will OBVIOUSLY be my future if I don't find myself a man STAT.

By the time I was your age I had already been married for (blank) years! / By the time I was your age I had (this many) kids!

-So, basically what you're telling me is that I am defective for reaching my age and not tying the knot or procreating? I didn't realize that opening my own business, excelling at my job, moving across country, completing vocational training, or supporting myself didn't count as "successes." My bad.

You should try harder

-Um, I am a little confused as to why you think I don't try in the first place? I guess suffering through all those blind dates, set ups, boyfriends, dating websites, and singles activities didn't count as trying. Whoops.

It will happen when you stop looking

-Didn't you just tell me to try harder?? I am sensing you have no idea what you're talking about.

(Blank) is the reason you don't have a boy/girlfriend

-Ooooooh. Oh ok. Wooow. Thanks. Thank you so much. I didn't realize THAT was the reason. That makes it so easy! Thank you so much, random citizen, that I just met/barely know for clearing that up for me. I'll change myself right away because you said so, and now I can sleep soundly at night because I can FINALLY catch a man.

I know that my brother's ex-girlfriends mother's trainer's florist is single! You'd be perfect together!

-I am really SO, so flattered to know that this person whom you do not even know is trustworthy enough to give my heart to.  Thank you for being willing to hand me off to a complete stranger so you can fix my singleness and feel good about the fact that you set us up. I mean it can't fail right?! We are both single so we CLEARLY have so much in common and are destined to be wed!

Since you don't have a boy/girlfriend you must have so much free time

-Yeah, I don't know how I stand myself with ALL my free time after I get done running my new business, working 2 other jobs, doing volunteer work, attending seminars, traveling, and living my life. There is just SO much time. And sleeping too, I get a lot of that.

I feel sorry for you, you must be so lonely

-Yes. Truly. Because I don't have a significant other that clearly means I have NO ONE in my life and that I am sad and lonely and miserable and depressed. I'll just sit here on my couch, and stuff my face with my seventh box of chocolates and re-watch every chick flick I've ever owned whilst I sob, pining for my true love.

Don't worry, someday you'll find your happily ever after

-So what you're saying is I can't be happy unless I am married, right?? Well dang I guess this smile I have on my face every day better go to heck because I'm not married and it isn't supposed to be around yet. How foolish of me.

You're just being too picky

-Silly me. I thought that after having my after having my heart broken severely by men who were lazy, unthoughtful, selfish, unromantic, cheating, lying BOYS that raising my standards to dating MEN who treat me well was a good thing. I guess I must have thought I was worth something, that I deserved to be treated better or something. I guess I should go back to dating the scum of the earth because that has worked so well before. And clearly settling is the way to go. I thought I eventually wanted a stable, healthy relationship and happiness. What was I thinking??? Psh...

"It's Not You, It's Me"

I don't know about you, but I have grown up hearing this little diddy over and over and over.  It's everywhere- from sitcoms, to movies, radio stations, and books. It's known as a pretty cliche little phrase.  I always kinda joked around using it, throwing it into random late night conversations with my friends as we would try to figure out how to move seamlessly from one crush/interest of the week to the other.  Ya know, the "Just tell him, 'It's not you, it's me.'"

 It always seemed like the least messy option. Clean cut. Doesn't require any further explanation. It blocks any argument. Because hey, it seems to the dumpee that you are being the kind one, letting them off the hook. You are "just too involved with your career/schoolwork right now."  You're a "glutton for punishment."  You "don't know what you want so you don't want to be selfish and drag anyone through it."

Seems so noble. 

The dumpee might even feel the need to apologize, comfort, and otherwise help the dumper. The dumpee will probably go as far as to brazenly defend the dumper to their friends and family when the news of the break up spreads. Because after all, they are struggling, and being so selfless and letting the dumpee off the hook from a less than desirable relationship. It seems like they should feel bad for the dumper. 

Well after being on the receiving AND giving end of saying "It's not you, it's me," I am here to tell you that truer words have never been spoken.

When my last serious boyfriend broke up with me he gave me an hour and half long soliloquy that basically embodied "It's not you, it's me" to perfection.

He was very convincing.  I wound up feeling sorry for him. I was angry when people would bash him after my break up.  Then time passed and the initial shock and heartbreak of my failed relationship ebbed and I began to stop seeing him through rose colored glasses. I began to stop blaming myself for him not wanting me. I began to realize that 

"You're dang right it's YOU, pal!" 

You were fake, I was great.

I was the best girlfriend you've ever had, and the coolest chick you knew (both of which I was told on numerous occasions). I was thoughtful, sweet, kind, & caring. I let you have your space. I let you play your games. I was there when you needed me and backed off when you didn't. I was the freakin ideal girlfriend. I  never once deserved such callus and unkind treatment. But ya know what? I got it. And ya know what? 

You're right, it WAS you, it wasn't me.

 So in the end, thank you for letting me off the hook. It doesn't seem so cliche after all.

Now after being on the receiving end, I admit I have been the one uttering this phrase a time or two since that horrible break up. In my case it was definitely me. But for good reasons. I wasn't being selfish and trying to appear thoughtful and noble. I was being as honest as I could. That breakup totally changed my world and everything about it. It completely altered the way I looked at other people, the way I judged the intentions of others, how I saw dating, how I saw men, I even stopped believing in love for a long time. I was scared and scarred and broken. I had no trust for anyone.  And I mistakenly thought that jumping right back into dating after this long relationship ended was the right thing to do. I thought I needed to get back out there right away. That led to nothing but sobbing on the phone with my mom and having a severe anxiety attack while driving home from that first post-relationship date and me doubting whether or not the part of me that can love someone was actually still there and not perpetually broken.

That first date back was with a guy who was a genuine, caring, thoughtful, sweet, honest gentleman. He truly didn't deserve getting dragged through the mud with me. I tried and tried to make it work, but I couldn't. Because I needed to work on me first. It was entirely too soon for me to try and enter another relationship. And so I distanced myself from this guy, with basically the explanation that "it's not you, it's me." And once again, truer words have never been spoken. 

I take full responsibility for the downfall of that relationship. I wasn't trying to have him think that I was being noble. I wasn't doing it to spare his ego. I wasn't saying it because it would prevent any argument he could come up with. I was saying it because it was the truth. 

That, to me, is what it is all about.  You have to be aware of the intentions and motives behind what people say.  You have to see things as the really are. Some people are fake. Simple as that. They aren't being careful with your feelings and noble, they are being selfish and feeding you a line. Then there are the times when those cliche lines become true. And if there is a time, use them for the right reasons.  Be the type of person/date that those who date you know that you are an honest and thoughtful person. Be someone who YOU would like to date. Develop those characteristics. Don't feed people lines because it is the easy way out. Be genuine. And if you ever are on the receiving end of

"It's not you, it's me"

know that one way or another, it's for darn sure the truth.

"Maybe It's a Sign!" (He's Just Not That Into You Part II)

I don't know about you, but I have heard everyone and their grandmother say this to their friends-especially those of us who are dating.  I know I personally have been guilty of saying it, probably more times than I can count. 

Just the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about a new guy she liked and was starting to date.  She was telling me of some random things about him...you know things like,  "His favorite show is Psych too! And he even loves listening to Frank Sinatra!"  And I found myself saying "Hey! Maybe it's a sign!" As soon as it escaped my lips I instantly felt weird about it. This time it made me cringe. 

I got to thinking why I might have had this reaction. Why would I feel hesitant and slightly guilty for exclaiming this out of my own excitement? After all, she is a dear friend, and she might have found a guy who could be "THE ONE." 

It kind of came to me as I was thinking about the movies 500 Days of Summer. There's a scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom, is talking to his little sister, Rachel, about Summer, the girl who he thought was "the one," but had broken his heart. 

Tom: "She likes Magritte and Hopper. And we talked about Bananafish for like 20 minutes. We're so compatable it's insane! ..."

Rachel: "Oh boy."

Tom: "What?"

Rachel: "Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate..."

Then I got thinking of the opening scene on He' Just Not That Into You. The whole thing is DEAD on. Seriously, watch here:

I know for me personally, I am always SO excited for my friends who find good guys they want to date. I love these girls with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have their dreams come true of finding Mr. Right.  I try to cheer them on and be a big support and encourage them in their dating lives. Just like they do for me. But there comes a point when there is a line that is SO easy to cross. It is so easy to get so excited that we miss the facts. The rose colored glasses go on and I think we get so distracted by finding guys who have similar tastes and/or beliefs as us that we can miss red flags and other issues that might exist with a potential match. Because let's face it, it IS exciting to find guys who you have a lot in common with. But like Amanda was talking about in her last post, it is easy to fall for an the ideal you have built up of a man. Which also makes it easier for a bigger letdown if things don't work out. 

Then there's the fact that we take things that are negative, like a guy not calling, and make excuses by saying "It's probably because he lost your number!" or "I am sure he was just really busy this weekend!" and we comfort ourselves with these things, make too many allowances for too long, and think it's acceptable behavior. We just re-adjust those rosey glasses and hang on for dear life to the "good signs" like how he brought you those flowers that one time a few months ago and you ALWAYS  wanted a guy who brings you flowers. 

As an example from my own dating life, I fell in love with a guy who I thought was "the one." There were "signs" all over the place.  And as I look back on it, I took things and made them into signs more than I'd like to admit because I was so head-over-heels and I SO wanted him to be "the one." I prayed about it, I felt like my answer was yes, he was who God wanted me to be with. Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't understand why we weren't going to end up together. I mean, everything I knew pointed to him. I prayed about it, the signs were there, everything. But nonetheless he was not meant to be "the one" for me after all. Long story short I feel like God had told me yes still, but you can't control other's use of their own free will and agency. If he had chosen to keep his promises to me, and act on what he knew was right and be the man who I was going to spend my life with it would have been a yes. But he chose not to. And I couldn't change that. God won't force anyone, it isn't His way. He places people, answers to prayers, and opportunities in our lives for us, it's up to us what we do with them.

The funny thing is, I probably got as many, if not more, signs pointing away from this boy, telling me it wasn't a good idea. But because I was in love and took other silly things as "signs" I ignored the real ones telling me I should just walk away. I have seen it happen with my friends too. When you find someone who you are interested in it becomes easy to focus on these "signs" that we should be with this person... 

i.e. they like the same music, they have the same goals, they share the same beliefs, they treat you with respect, they say things you like, etc. 

It makes it more confusing if things sour between the two of you. You wonder why the signs were there in the first place. You doubt whether signs exist at all.

But I believe they do exist, for good and for bad. I just think we misread them or give them way too much credit too quickly, without really getting to know someone first . Because the truth is you WILL find guys who like the same "bizarro crap" you do. You WILL find guys you have great chemistry with. You WILL want to take every little detail and make it into a sign because you really like them. BUT that doesn't make them your soul mate. It doesn't mean that you won't find it again. Use caution and see people for who they really are, and how they really  treat you. Look for the signs that are not only endearing, but enduring. Things that will last a lifetime and beyond. Don't just follow your heart blindly, you're head needs to go along for the ride as well.

One for the Boys

   

"Super BF" (Fancy Doodle by Amanda)

He's just a man...

  He's sweet, he's chivalrous, he's passionate, he's handsome.... the list goes on! He loves god, respects his parents, and volunteers to help others. Great! He's a hopeless romantic who writes you poems, brings you flowers, and serenades you from outside your bedroom window. Or maybe he's tall, dark, and handsome, with a six figure income. He's everything you've ever imagined in a dream guy and seems perfect in every way! Either way, when we meet a nice guy that seems to have everything we are looking for, we tend to embellish it a bit and forget the fact that they are just normal human beings.

In the past, I have been totally guilty of this. Sometimes when a good guy comes along, I subconsciously uphold him to an almost god-like status. I hang onto all of the little details that are good and tend to overlook the negatives. I forget that he is flawed and has struggles on a daily basis just like I do. While it is okay to daydream and be lovestruck at times, it is important to get your head out of the clouds every once in awhile.

I'm pretty sure I am not the only offender of this sort of thing. ;)

There are a few reasons as to why this 
mindset can be dangerous:

1.) First and foremost, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It is very important not to put all of your faith into a person, because they are bound to let you down at some point in your life. If you view your man as some perfect entity, the day he messes up you are going to come crashing down and be taken off guard. Don't get me wrong, there are some really great guys out there. But despite all of the great things about them, they have struggles on a daily basis, and they will mess up. Even the kindest, smartest, most god-fearing, man is going to have bad days and the are going to sometimes say hurtful things or make poor choices. Ultimately we should be placing our trust and confidence in God, because he is the only one that will never let us down. 

He is the only constant.

2.) The moment you start to build someone up too high, you are opening up a gateway to total emotional dependance. In the past, I got completely wrapped up in this one guy and started to build my life around him. In the midst of our time together, I kept my rose colored glasses on and chose to only see the good. I depended on him for my emotional security. I used him as my crutch to get through hard times. I was so infatuated with him that I overlooked completely absurd things that he did and I allowed him to treat me like dirt. I bent over backwards for him and if he said, "jump!" I'd ask, "how high??" When things between us went sour and he was no longer part of my life, I initially felt helpless. I truly thought that I needed him to help me navigate through life. I couldn't imagine going on without him by my side. I spent a solid six months in a mini-coma, freaking out and sulking because I didn't know how to "do life" without him to guide me.

3.) It puts a lot of pressure on your man. I'm pretty positive that guys can sense when we are expecting too much from them. It is stressful trying to live up to such high standards. I think in some cases this is what can cause guys to push away and/or run in the opposite direction. They sense that you uphold them to such a high standard and it freaks them out a little bit. Now I'm all for equality of the sexes and I would even consider myself to be a slight feminist, but in a lot of cases, it is still up to the guy to be the leader of the household. A lot of times, more weight is put on him to be the "bread-winner" and the problem solver. My last ex once said to me, "You deserve more than I can give you. I'm not a perfect guy. I have so much to work on. Sometimes I feel like you could do better than me." I think his main issue was the fact that he was really feeling the pressure when he thought about our future together and what he thought he was capable of bringing to the table. I think ultimately this thought process was what caused him to get cold feet and push away. We were both at fault. He was such a talented, sweet, caring, guy and so I got wrapped up in him and treated him like he was the most perfect person I'd ever met in my life. He got caught up in trying to live up to the reputation, lost confidence along the way, and caved under the pressure.

All in all, my main point is to remind us all to come back down to earth every now and then. Cut your man some slack and make sure that you let him know that you don't expect perfection from him, and that you still love him unconditionally despite the fact that he has weaknesses and flaws. Once you take your man off of his pedestal and view each other on the same level keeping in mind that you both are just imperfect beings, it leads to much more realistic expectations. Even for us single ladies on the prowl, it is good for us to keep this in mind while seeking potential partners. Keeping a realistic perspective on things will help you to have a healthier more satisfying relationship in the long-run. And last but not least, build your foundation around God, 

the only one who will never ever fail you.