I don't know about you, but I have grown up hearing this little diddy over and over and over. It's everywhere- from sitcoms, to movies, radio stations, and books. It's known as a pretty cliche little phrase. I always kinda joked around using it, throwing it into random late night conversations with my friends as we would try to figure out how to move seamlessly from one crush/interest of the week to the other. Ya know, the "Just tell him, 'It's not you, it's me.'"
It always seemed like the least messy option. Clean cut. Doesn't require any further explanation. It blocks any argument. Because hey, it seems to the dumpee that you are being the kind one, letting them off the hook. You are "just too involved with your career/schoolwork right now." You're a "glutton for punishment." You "don't know what you want so you don't want to be selfish and drag anyone through it."
Seems so noble.
The dumpee might even feel the need to apologize, comfort, and otherwise help the dumper. The dumpee will probably go as far as to brazenly defend the dumper to their friends and family when the news of the break up spreads. Because after all, they are struggling, and being so selfless and letting the dumpee off the hook from a less than desirable relationship. It seems like they should feel bad for the dumper.
Well after being on the receiving AND giving end of saying "It's not you, it's me," I am here to tell you that truer words have never been spoken.
When my last serious boyfriend broke up with me he gave me an hour and half long soliloquy that basically embodied "It's not you, it's me" to perfection.
He was very convincing. I wound up feeling sorry for him. I was angry when people would bash him after my break up. Then time passed and the initial shock and heartbreak of my failed relationship ebbed and I began to stop seeing him through rose colored glasses. I began to stop blaming myself for him not wanting me. I began to realize that
"You're dang right it's YOU, pal!"
You were fake, I was great.
I was the best girlfriend you've ever had, and the coolest chick you knew (both of which I was told on numerous occasions). I was thoughtful, sweet, kind, & caring. I let you have your space. I let you play your games. I was there when you needed me and backed off when you didn't. I was the freakin ideal girlfriend. I never once deserved such callus and unkind treatment. But ya know what? I got it. And ya know what?
You're right, it WAS you, it wasn't me.
So in the end, thank you for letting me off the hook. It doesn't seem so cliche after all.
Now after being on the receiving end, I admit I have been the one uttering this phrase a time or two since that horrible break up. In my case it was definitely me. But for good reasons. I wasn't being selfish and trying to appear thoughtful and noble. I was being as honest as I could. That breakup totally changed my world and everything about it. It completely altered the way I looked at other people, the way I judged the intentions of others, how I saw dating, how I saw men, I even stopped believing in love for a long time. I was scared and scarred and broken. I had no trust for anyone. And I mistakenly thought that jumping right back into dating after this long relationship ended was the right thing to do. I thought I needed to get back out there right away. That led to nothing but sobbing on the phone with my mom and having a severe anxiety attack while driving home from that first post-relationship date and me doubting whether or not the part of me that can love someone was actually still there and not perpetually broken.
That first date back was with a guy who was a genuine, caring, thoughtful, sweet, honest gentleman. He truly didn't deserve getting dragged through the mud with me. I tried and tried to make it work, but I couldn't. Because I needed to work on me first. It was entirely too soon for me to try and enter another relationship. And so I distanced myself from this guy, with basically the explanation that "it's not you, it's me." And once again, truer words have never been spoken.
I take full responsibility for the downfall of that relationship. I wasn't trying to have him think that I was being noble. I wasn't doing it to spare his ego. I wasn't saying it because it would prevent any argument he could come up with. I was saying it because it was the truth.
That, to me, is what it is all about. You have to be aware of the intentions and motives behind what people say. You have to see things as the really are. Some people are fake. Simple as that. They aren't being careful with your feelings and noble, they are being selfish and feeding you a line. Then there are the times when those cliche lines become true. And if there is a time, use them for the right reasons. Be the type of person/date that those who date you know that you are an honest and thoughtful person. Be someone who YOU would like to date. Develop those characteristics. Don't feed people lines because it is the easy way out. Be genuine. And if you ever are on the receiving end of
"It's not you, it's me"
know that one way or another, it's for darn sure the truth.
