What Not To Say to Someone Who's Going Through A Break Up Part 1

You know what? I HATE the word "just."  I don't really think it ever bothered me until I started dating...
"JUST wait, he'll call!"
"He's gonna ask you out, JUST you wait..."
blah blah blah...
But I think I really started hating it after getting dumped.  It seems like a harmless, everyday 4 letter word. But when thrown in random, half-hearted pep talks from friends, family, and sadly, acquaintances & co workers that barely know you, it is far from harmless. It's downright hurtful and insulting.
If you have a friend who is going through a break up, I beg you, PLEASE do not let any of the phrases slip out of your mouth, no matter how well-intentioned.

"JUST GET OVER IT"
Telling someone who has just had their heart broken to "just get over it" is one of the most hurtful things you can say.  It cheapens the confusion, anger, and pain they are going though. Like it is something as simple as a spill...just clean it up, the mess is gone, no one will know it ever happened.
Easy. Simple. Clean. Quick.  Sorry, but that is not the way it works.  Everyone going through a break up is going to take the time they individually need to heal from the hurt and the loss. Some people are faster than others, it depends on the length and depth of the relationship.  So take that into account and don't try to make them feel like they shouldn't be hurting, even after (blank) amount of time. Which leads to...

"YOU JUST NEED TO GET BACK OUT THERE"
This one is not only stupid, but dangerous.  When you get a small cut on your finger, do you take out a knife and cut a little deeper to make it better? No. You get a band-aid and slap that sucker on and let the bleeding stop. Sometimes it takes a while to heal.  And it can leave a scar.  See where I'm going with this? When a relationship ends there's obvious hurt and loneliness involved.  There is the temptation to get right back out there and jump into a relationship with the next available human to assuage the hurt, to fill the gap left by someone who walked away.  Trust me, I've tried that, and it was a huge mistake.  Just talk to my mom who had to talk me down on the phone as I was bawling, hyperventilating, and having a very scary panic attack driving home from my first date "back out there."  Sadly, that is how I learned it was too soon for me to try and date again, and it is how a lot of people learn. But, everyone needs to learn on their own and not feel pressure from their friends and family telling them THEY JUST NEED TO GET BACK OUT THERE. Everyone is going to take different amounts of time, and that is OKAY. Don't make them feel like they are broken (they are probably already feeling that way without you telling them) because they don't feel ready in what you think is an appropriate amount of time to put their heart on the line again.

"TIME WILL HEAL ALL WOUNDS, JUST YOU WAIT"
Ok, yes, I admit, time helps when healing a broken heart, mostly because memories fade. The shooting pain gets replaced with a dull ache, then eventually gets lessened to a slight pang every now and again. But the tricky part about time is...how do you know when it's been enough? Jimmy got dumped, he seemed to feel ok within a month or two. Lisa was torn up for about 6 months after ending her relationship.  Suzy said she was fine after a few weeks. And you know what? That's great for Jimmy, Lisa, and Suzy.  But you cannot measure what is right for you based on what is right for someone else. That only leads to frustration. Don't put a timetable on hurt, and don't put a timetable on healing. Everyone is on their own timetable for these things. AND THAT'S OKAY. Nobody needs to be made to feel rushed or guilty or faulty because they aren't healing as fast as others.


To sum up part one : never use the word "just" when pep-talking someone. Don't make people feel bad for how long they need to heal. Don't try to fix broken hearts by throwing them in with another one too soon.
Instead: go buy some tissues, candy, ice cream, chocolate, aroma therapy candles, a nice card and go be with your friend prepared to cry, support, and talk as much as needed.

#FOREVERALONE

"You're going to be single forever."

I hear this phrase come out of people's mouths a lot... 

I am a completely happy 24 year old single woman.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being single... But just because I am enjoying my life no matter what the circumstances, doesn't mean that I want to be single forever.  I think that sometimes because I am so independent, people automatically assume that I don't want a relationship. That's not that case at all. I would welcome a healthy relationship with open arms if it came my way. The thing is, relationships can be hard to come by, and healthy relationships are even more difficult to find. There are decent men out there, but it seems you have to sift through a plethora of bad ones to find a good one. Even if you do find a good one, it doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you are compatible. To be honest, I would rather hold out for something good, than settle for something sub-par, even if that means waiting longer than "average".  

Because of my propensity towards singleness, I think people have begun to jump to conclusions about my life. They either A: Assume that I want to be single forever; or B: Assume that I have been single for so long because of something I'm doing wrong.

 I've heard all sorts of lovely advice from all kinds of people. I know people mean well, but they have no clue just how callous it can come off.

"If you don't change _____ you're going 

to be single forever"

"How are you ever going to find a man when you keep such a busy schedule?"

"If you keep that kind of attitude, you're 

never going to get married"

"If you ever want to fall in love, you're going 

to have to learn to be more vulnerable."

"You're just too picky. If you don't lower your standards you're going to be single forever."

"You need to put yourself out there more."

"If you don't learn to trust people, 

you're going to be single forever."

"You're never going to find a man 

if you keep that up."

"You would think that by your age you would be in 

more of a hurry to find a man."

I know sometimes people have good intentions by throwing their "advice" out there, or they may just be trying to make a joke, but telling a woman that she is going to be single forever is just a bad thing to say. I seriously wish I had a dollar for every time i've been told that in my young/mid 20's. 

The thing is, words like that have resonance. 

It's psychologically proven that if you tell a person something about themselves enough times, even if they know it's not true, they may actually start to believe it. You could have a very beautiful woman standing in a room in front of a group of people, and if they all told her that she was ugly, she would probably start second guessing how people perceived her outward appearance. 

All of the things I have listed above have been said to me at some point in time.

Although I tend to have a tough outer shell and don't like to show people my weaknesses very often, I'm actually pretty insecure. I don't need people telling me all the reasons why I can't seem to find a man. You don't think that I haven't already fed myself those lies at some given point in time?

We can sort of control the path our life goes down, 

but only to a certain degree. 

I could have been the person that met my highschool sweetheart at age 17 and stuck with them, but my life's circumstances didn't turn out that way. We are all going to go down different paths, and we are all going to have "milestones" at different times. 

There is no right or wrong time to fall in love and get married. I think a lot of times our society pushes too much for people to find the "love of their life" and get married before 30. It's as if there is some invisible expiration date stamped on every woman's forehead, "Best if used before age 30". Well let me tell you, it is not a race! Sometimes really great people don't find that right relationship for a very long time, and it has nothing to do with their character or actions. I'm convinced that the right guy hasn't come along for me yet either. One day someone will notice this diamond in the rough! ;) 

What if we started being more considerate of people's feelings and started building them up instead of tearing them down? We should start telling single women all of the things that make them beautiful inside and out, instead of telling them what they need to fix to become worthy of a man. It is all a matter of perspective. Love can just be an added bonus to an already fulfilling life.  So all in all, don't get caught up in the race and lose yourself along the way. Love may come tomorrow, or it may come 20 years down the line; either way, the quality of love can be the same. And remember, we are all valuable human beings with purpose, with or without a relationship.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Single (Part I)

I know EVERYONE who is single has at one time or another had those absolutely fun, pleasant, completely unsolicited conversations with friends, acquaintances, and hey, COMPLETE STRANGERS about their love lives.  You attend a wedding without a date, at work in the break room everyone is talking about their girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, or kids and you stay quiet, you're at a party making small talk with people and somehow someone inevitably finds out your single. No big deal right? Riiiiiight. Then someone well-meaningly annoyingly feels the need to help you out, to share their genius into all things relationship, to rescue you from your poor, pitiful, lonely, single state. YOU LUCKY DOG YOU. 

These are just some of the gems I have heard from people who are trying to save me from a life full of lonely nights, cat obsessions, netflix binging, and chocolate indulgence that will OBVIOUSLY be my future if I don't find myself a man STAT.

By the time I was your age I had already been married for (blank) years! / By the time I was your age I had (this many) kids!

-So, basically what you're telling me is that I am defective for reaching my age and not tying the knot or procreating? I didn't realize that opening my own business, excelling at my job, moving across country, completing vocational training, or supporting myself didn't count as "successes." My bad.

You should try harder

-Um, I am a little confused as to why you think I don't try in the first place? I guess suffering through all those blind dates, set ups, boyfriends, dating websites, and singles activities didn't count as trying. Whoops.

It will happen when you stop looking

-Didn't you just tell me to try harder?? I am sensing you have no idea what you're talking about.

(Blank) is the reason you don't have a boy/girlfriend

-Ooooooh. Oh ok. Wooow. Thanks. Thank you so much. I didn't realize THAT was the reason. That makes it so easy! Thank you so much, random citizen, that I just met/barely know for clearing that up for me. I'll change myself right away because you said so, and now I can sleep soundly at night because I can FINALLY catch a man.

I know that my brother's ex-girlfriends mother's trainer's florist is single! You'd be perfect together!

-I am really SO, so flattered to know that this person whom you do not even know is trustworthy enough to give my heart to.  Thank you for being willing to hand me off to a complete stranger so you can fix my singleness and feel good about the fact that you set us up. I mean it can't fail right?! We are both single so we CLEARLY have so much in common and are destined to be wed!

Since you don't have a boy/girlfriend you must have so much free time

-Yeah, I don't know how I stand myself with ALL my free time after I get done running my new business, working 2 other jobs, doing volunteer work, attending seminars, traveling, and living my life. There is just SO much time. And sleeping too, I get a lot of that.

I feel sorry for you, you must be so lonely

-Yes. Truly. Because I don't have a significant other that clearly means I have NO ONE in my life and that I am sad and lonely and miserable and depressed. I'll just sit here on my couch, and stuff my face with my seventh box of chocolates and re-watch every chick flick I've ever owned whilst I sob, pining for my true love.

Don't worry, someday you'll find your happily ever after

-So what you're saying is I can't be happy unless I am married, right?? Well dang I guess this smile I have on my face every day better go to heck because I'm not married and it isn't supposed to be around yet. How foolish of me.

You're just being too picky

-Silly me. I thought that after having my after having my heart broken severely by men who were lazy, unthoughtful, selfish, unromantic, cheating, lying BOYS that raising my standards to dating MEN who treat me well was a good thing. I guess I must have thought I was worth something, that I deserved to be treated better or something. I guess I should go back to dating the scum of the earth because that has worked so well before. And clearly settling is the way to go. I thought I eventually wanted a stable, healthy relationship and happiness. What was I thinking??? Psh...

"It's Not You, It's Me"

I don't know about you, but I have grown up hearing this little diddy over and over and over.  It's everywhere- from sitcoms, to movies, radio stations, and books. It's known as a pretty cliche little phrase.  I always kinda joked around using it, throwing it into random late night conversations with my friends as we would try to figure out how to move seamlessly from one crush/interest of the week to the other.  Ya know, the "Just tell him, 'It's not you, it's me.'"

 It always seemed like the least messy option. Clean cut. Doesn't require any further explanation. It blocks any argument. Because hey, it seems to the dumpee that you are being the kind one, letting them off the hook. You are "just too involved with your career/schoolwork right now."  You're a "glutton for punishment."  You "don't know what you want so you don't want to be selfish and drag anyone through it."

Seems so noble. 

The dumpee might even feel the need to apologize, comfort, and otherwise help the dumper. The dumpee will probably go as far as to brazenly defend the dumper to their friends and family when the news of the break up spreads. Because after all, they are struggling, and being so selfless and letting the dumpee off the hook from a less than desirable relationship. It seems like they should feel bad for the dumper. 

Well after being on the receiving AND giving end of saying "It's not you, it's me," I am here to tell you that truer words have never been spoken.

When my last serious boyfriend broke up with me he gave me an hour and half long soliloquy that basically embodied "It's not you, it's me" to perfection.

He was very convincing.  I wound up feeling sorry for him. I was angry when people would bash him after my break up.  Then time passed and the initial shock and heartbreak of my failed relationship ebbed and I began to stop seeing him through rose colored glasses. I began to stop blaming myself for him not wanting me. I began to realize that 

"You're dang right it's YOU, pal!" 

You were fake, I was great.

I was the best girlfriend you've ever had, and the coolest chick you knew (both of which I was told on numerous occasions). I was thoughtful, sweet, kind, & caring. I let you have your space. I let you play your games. I was there when you needed me and backed off when you didn't. I was the freakin ideal girlfriend. I  never once deserved such callus and unkind treatment. But ya know what? I got it. And ya know what? 

You're right, it WAS you, it wasn't me.

 So in the end, thank you for letting me off the hook. It doesn't seem so cliche after all.

Now after being on the receiving end, I admit I have been the one uttering this phrase a time or two since that horrible break up. In my case it was definitely me. But for good reasons. I wasn't being selfish and trying to appear thoughtful and noble. I was being as honest as I could. That breakup totally changed my world and everything about it. It completely altered the way I looked at other people, the way I judged the intentions of others, how I saw dating, how I saw men, I even stopped believing in love for a long time. I was scared and scarred and broken. I had no trust for anyone.  And I mistakenly thought that jumping right back into dating after this long relationship ended was the right thing to do. I thought I needed to get back out there right away. That led to nothing but sobbing on the phone with my mom and having a severe anxiety attack while driving home from that first post-relationship date and me doubting whether or not the part of me that can love someone was actually still there and not perpetually broken.

That first date back was with a guy who was a genuine, caring, thoughtful, sweet, honest gentleman. He truly didn't deserve getting dragged through the mud with me. I tried and tried to make it work, but I couldn't. Because I needed to work on me first. It was entirely too soon for me to try and enter another relationship. And so I distanced myself from this guy, with basically the explanation that "it's not you, it's me." And once again, truer words have never been spoken. 

I take full responsibility for the downfall of that relationship. I wasn't trying to have him think that I was being noble. I wasn't doing it to spare his ego. I wasn't saying it because it would prevent any argument he could come up with. I was saying it because it was the truth. 

That, to me, is what it is all about.  You have to be aware of the intentions and motives behind what people say.  You have to see things as the really are. Some people are fake. Simple as that. They aren't being careful with your feelings and noble, they are being selfish and feeding you a line. Then there are the times when those cliche lines become true. And if there is a time, use them for the right reasons.  Be the type of person/date that those who date you know that you are an honest and thoughtful person. Be someone who YOU would like to date. Develop those characteristics. Don't feed people lines because it is the easy way out. Be genuine. And if you ever are on the receiving end of

"It's not you, it's me"

know that one way or another, it's for darn sure the truth.

"Maybe It's a Sign!" (He's Just Not That Into You Part II)

I don't know about you, but I have heard everyone and their grandmother say this to their friends-especially those of us who are dating.  I know I personally have been guilty of saying it, probably more times than I can count. 

Just the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about a new guy she liked and was starting to date.  She was telling me of some random things about him...you know things like,  "His favorite show is Psych too! And he even loves listening to Frank Sinatra!"  And I found myself saying "Hey! Maybe it's a sign!" As soon as it escaped my lips I instantly felt weird about it. This time it made me cringe. 

I got to thinking why I might have had this reaction. Why would I feel hesitant and slightly guilty for exclaiming this out of my own excitement? After all, she is a dear friend, and she might have found a guy who could be "THE ONE." 

It kind of came to me as I was thinking about the movies 500 Days of Summer. There's a scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom, is talking to his little sister, Rachel, about Summer, the girl who he thought was "the one," but had broken his heart. 

Tom: "She likes Magritte and Hopper. And we talked about Bananafish for like 20 minutes. We're so compatable it's insane! ..."

Rachel: "Oh boy."

Tom: "What?"

Rachel: "Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate..."

Then I got thinking of the opening scene on He' Just Not That Into You. The whole thing is DEAD on. Seriously, watch here:

I know for me personally, I am always SO excited for my friends who find good guys they want to date. I love these girls with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have their dreams come true of finding Mr. Right.  I try to cheer them on and be a big support and encourage them in their dating lives. Just like they do for me. But there comes a point when there is a line that is SO easy to cross. It is so easy to get so excited that we miss the facts. The rose colored glasses go on and I think we get so distracted by finding guys who have similar tastes and/or beliefs as us that we can miss red flags and other issues that might exist with a potential match. Because let's face it, it IS exciting to find guys who you have a lot in common with. But like Amanda was talking about in her last post, it is easy to fall for an the ideal you have built up of a man. Which also makes it easier for a bigger letdown if things don't work out. 

Then there's the fact that we take things that are negative, like a guy not calling, and make excuses by saying "It's probably because he lost your number!" or "I am sure he was just really busy this weekend!" and we comfort ourselves with these things, make too many allowances for too long, and think it's acceptable behavior. We just re-adjust those rosey glasses and hang on for dear life to the "good signs" like how he brought you those flowers that one time a few months ago and you ALWAYS  wanted a guy who brings you flowers. 

As an example from my own dating life, I fell in love with a guy who I thought was "the one." There were "signs" all over the place.  And as I look back on it, I took things and made them into signs more than I'd like to admit because I was so head-over-heels and I SO wanted him to be "the one." I prayed about it, I felt like my answer was yes, he was who God wanted me to be with. Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't understand why we weren't going to end up together. I mean, everything I knew pointed to him. I prayed about it, the signs were there, everything. But nonetheless he was not meant to be "the one" for me after all. Long story short I feel like God had told me yes still, but you can't control other's use of their own free will and agency. If he had chosen to keep his promises to me, and act on what he knew was right and be the man who I was going to spend my life with it would have been a yes. But he chose not to. And I couldn't change that. God won't force anyone, it isn't His way. He places people, answers to prayers, and opportunities in our lives for us, it's up to us what we do with them.

The funny thing is, I probably got as many, if not more, signs pointing away from this boy, telling me it wasn't a good idea. But because I was in love and took other silly things as "signs" I ignored the real ones telling me I should just walk away. I have seen it happen with my friends too. When you find someone who you are interested in it becomes easy to focus on these "signs" that we should be with this person... 

i.e. they like the same music, they have the same goals, they share the same beliefs, they treat you with respect, they say things you like, etc. 

It makes it more confusing if things sour between the two of you. You wonder why the signs were there in the first place. You doubt whether signs exist at all.

But I believe they do exist, for good and for bad. I just think we misread them or give them way too much credit too quickly, without really getting to know someone first . Because the truth is you WILL find guys who like the same "bizarro crap" you do. You WILL find guys you have great chemistry with. You WILL want to take every little detail and make it into a sign because you really like them. BUT that doesn't make them your soul mate. It doesn't mean that you won't find it again. Use caution and see people for who they really are, and how they really  treat you. Look for the signs that are not only endearing, but enduring. Things that will last a lifetime and beyond. Don't just follow your heart blindly, you're head needs to go along for the ride as well.

Red Flags

Disclaimer:

If you read this post and you recognize any of these things in your current relationship, something is probably wrong, and you just might to run in the opposite direction.

Funny thing happened not too long ago that has gotten me thinking a lot lately: recently my biggest ex has gotten in touch with me again. It has actually happened quite often in the 2+ years since the breakup HE initiated. And sometimes, I am sad to say, I have found myself thinking, "what if we would get back together?" Then I start thinking about our relationship and not just how horribly it ended, but how horrible it was while I was in it. And a lot of times I didn't even realize, or didn't want to, just how bad things were.  Then I get these vivid reminders of little things that were really signs of huge issues. You know- those little inklings you get that something isnt't right. Those feelings you get that you push aside because you don't want them to be true. Those tough truths. I am talking about those 

RED FLAGS.

 Now, contrary to what you might think, a lot of these red flags are subtle, they don't grab your attention like other red flags do- you know, cheating, lying, etc. These are the things that are easier to defend and explain away. Things like:

COMPROMISE (not the good kind)

You know, when your significant other wants you to do things that you are uncomfortable with, wanting you to compromise on the things that are important to you. This can be simple things like talking you into watching a movie you think is vulgar, to wanting to push the physical boundaries you have set. I am a Christian girl, and I made the choice long ago to wait until marriage for sex. My ex knew this, said he was the same way, but at the same time he wanted to push things, little by little. He was always trying to talk me into flashing or something else (pshyeah, clearly he respected me and my body *eye roll*). Obviously I did not want to do these things, they were things I was strongly against, but he would use it as a bargaining tool. He wouldn't even kiss me, but he wanted to see my exposed breasts, how does that make sense?! RED FLAG.

HAVING TO DEFEND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

One of the biggest things I remember from when this ex and I broke up is that after it happened my little sister said to me,

 "I never liked him. I hate to say it, but I saw this coming." 

I was shocked. And at the same time, I believed her because I constantly had to defend my boyfriend's behavior to her and everyone else that knew us.

It totally reminded me of on Valentine's Day (spoiler alert) where Ashton Kutcher's fiance breaks up with him and he is talking about it with his best friend, Jennifer Garner. He asked her if she really  thought that his fiance was right for him. She began to sugar coat her feelings but after he asked for her complete honesty she told him that no, she did not think they were a good match. She always thought something was wrong. He in turn was trying to warn her that something was wrong with the current relationship she was in (the guy was married!). He said:

"That's what I'm doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way but nobody had the guts to tell me! And now I am left with [...] an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told me."

If you find yourself defending the actions of your significant other to your friends and family, there is something wrong. You only feel the need to defend wrong actions, because hey, you feel defensive, and there's a reason!

  If they were treating you right and doing right things, there would be nothing to defend. 

BAD WITH MONEY/ A JOB JUMPER

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be supporting a deadbeat. My dream guy definitely isn't the type who sits on his butt and isn't willing to treat me to dinner and other special treats every once in a while. With my ex, there were MANY instances of this, but one particular one sticks out in my mind. I remember he was obsessed with gun shows and we would go to them together every now and then. There was one almost 4 hours away that he decided he wanted to go to and invited me along. When we ended up taking my car the 8 hour drive(after planning on him being the one to drive) he acted like he was at least going to help chip in for gas, but when we pulled up to the pump he asked for MY card and I shelled out the money for the whole trip. Not to mention the car overheated and needed serious repairs. Did he offer to help with the cost at all? Not one bit. But he was sure to shell out hundreds on himself buying knick-knacks when we got to the show. Not very gentlemanly if you ask me...

or kind

 or thoughtful

or something indicative of someone who is responsible 

or something anyone should have to put up with.

Chances are if someone is really irresponsible with money, they aren't very responsible or reliable in a lot of areas of life.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for a shopping spree or an unexpected splurge every now and then, but if someone is unwilling to hold a job, pay bills, pick up the check, etc, something is wrong.

There are so many red flags to be aware of in relationships and dating. It can be overwhelming. But I am not saying to live in paranoia. I am not recommending giving your life over to skepticism and cynicism. I am not saying to expect perfection. I AM saying to be careful. I am saying to pay attention to those little things, those inklings, those feelings that tell you something is off.  That you should be willing to look at things differently. That you need to know that you are worth more than poor treatment. You don't have to ignore red flags and put up with treatment in a relationship that is not loving, kind, thoughtful, or respectful. 

Red flags are there for a reason. Pay attention, and don't take them down just because you don't want them to get in your view of someone you perceive as, or wish was good.

He's Just Not That Into You

Has anyone ever seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? Ok, if you haven't, and you are a female, and if you have ever dated or ever intend to date in the future, you need to NOW.
I remember the first time I watched it I felt pretty uncomfortable because I identified with a lot of the scenarios they portray in that movie. I remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks when Alex told Gigi that if a guy wants to be with you, call you, see you, etc, he will make the effort. No exceptions. It definitely hit a chord with me when I thought to myself of my current situation: being in an on and off again relationship with a guy who made little to no effort to be with me. He would say he would call, but never did. If we were texting, he would either wait hours to respond, or just did not do it at all. He "fit me into his schedule" whenever it suited him. Even if that meant me sitting on the couch and watching him and his friend play Halo for 3 hours. Real "quality" time there I tell ya *insert eye roll.*  I didn't want to believe that his behavior could just be for the plain and simple fact that
he was just not that into me, at least not enough to care/treat me like he did.

Observe:

It's a very tough pill to swallow, but once you do it makes life so much better.  You no longer feel the need to wait by the phone hoping he will actually text you when he said he would. You no longer wonder why he isn't calling, you just say

 "Oh well, HIS LOSS," and move on.

Because you see, if you think about it, is that really the kind of relationship that you want?

To be somebody's back up? To only see them when it is convenient for them? For them to float in and out of your life as it pleases them? To be strung along? To be treated like your feelings don't matter? To get your hopes up that "he's changed" just for him to let you down AGAIN?

I don't think so!

I know, I am sad to say I accepted this treatment before. I convinced myself to stick with a guy who I had fallen for, but did not treat me well.  I always stuck around, hoping that he'd change, or what's worse, trying to change him. 

It took the final straw of him breaking my heart into a million pieces that I decided I deserved better. And so does everyone! 

If you find yourself making excuses about the behavior of someone you like to other people, or even to yourself, something is wrong.
You shouldn't have to make excuses for someone's mistreatment of you. There should be no mistreatment in the first place.
The simple truth is that if a guy is into you, he will get off his butt and make the effort that is required to date you. He will make the effort to see you. He will treat you with care and respect. He will keep promises. He won't string you along. He won't play games. He won't waste your time.
Your time and your feelings don't deserve to be wasted on somebody who doesn't treat you right.  It's that simple. Don't accept treatment that belittles you. Don't make excuses for someone's bad behavior. Walk away and find somebody who WILL treat you right.Period.

Perfect On Paper

(image source)

When I was about 16 and attending church, I remember during a lesson one Sunday in my Young Women's class (which consisted of all the girls in my church who were 12-18 years old) we were talking about what we wanted in our future spouses. We were then handed pieces of paper and told to take a few minutes and write down a few things we would like to see in our future husbands.  It didn't take me long to compile a rather lengthy list of "qualities" I wanted in my future husband...

Handsome
Funny
Goes to my Church
Likes my music...
Goes to concerts

etc, etc

It was easy to think of things that would make up my "Dream Guy."  At the time I was "kind of dating" a guy who went to my church, (you know-the awkward, teenage pre-everyonehasacellphoneandcantextastheyplease era and we would see each at her in school,church, and "hang out" every now and again after classes but happened to have major crushes on each other type of dating).  I didn't really think too much about my list, or, for that matter, anything really other than the fact that I found this boy SUPER hot and we always seemed to have tons of fun together. Plus, he seemed to like me back! So it was a no-brainer right? Yeah... not so much. Shortly after we started "hang-out-dating" I found out things about this boy that I did not like at all. Things that were definitely deal breakers....( i.e. things like drug use and the complete betrayal and dishonesty that comes with it). I would like to say that I ran for the hills and never looked back. But he had those green-ish eyes and that shy, flirty smile, and HE LIKED ME BACK. The dream guy list was thrown out the window as I dated this boy for years, which led to more suffering, heartache, and loss than I knew I could possibly endure, but that's another story for another post (or several).

I (mistakenly) started dating right away after the break up from this green-eyed boy, sadly falling into the same type of trap...

Cute?..check
Seems to like me back?...check

and sad to say that's about where it ended. I didn't really care about the details. Because if a guy likes you back that's all that really matters right?! WRONG.
It took me a little while to realize that I get to choose what types of qualities are important to me. What things I am ok with and what things I am not willing to budge on. I found my teenage "Future Husband Qualities" list and decided I needed to make a new one. I realized how superficial most of the things on my list were, and that after years of dating I had come to know what things were really important to me, and what things were not-so-important.
For example, I don't think it's important if my dream guy listens to the exact same type of music I do. Would it be cool if we had similar tastes and could share the exact same music collection? You bet. But is that going to help him treat me with love and respect? At the end of the day is that what is going to have him kneel and pray with me before we go to sleep? No. What WILL make him do that is what's important to me-which is that he loves God with his whole heart. And by so doing his whole life reflects that.
Would I like it for my husband to love going to concerts as much as I do? Of course! But is that a deal breaker? Is that what makes him a good man, with a good, honest, and gentle heart? No. What would be a deal-breaker is if he were selfish and unwilling to support me in my hobbies, just as it would be selfish of me not to support him in his.

Last year I dated a guy who I thought could be my dream guy. If I would have written down the list of things he had to offer he would have been PERFECT ON PAPER.

Driven
Hard Worker
Goes to my church
Loves God
Has a good job
Great chemistry
and BONUS
Super Tall (I swoon for tall guys)
In the medical profession (sexy right?)
Brought me flowers
Planned amazing and fun dates

Even as I write that I am like WHY DIDN'T IT WORK OUT/WHY DID I END IT? Gah. Well, people can be perfect on paper but when it comes down to it, that doesn't make for the "perfect" relationship (yeah, there are no such things as perfect relationships, just ones that are perfect for you).
In the end, I chose to walk away from Mr. Tallmedstudent. As weird as it sounds there were some red flags and something ended up just not clicking, even after several months of dating. And thanks to past experience, I have learned to pay attention to red flags, because they are there for a reason.

Another guy I dated in the past few years had several of these "perfect on paper" qualities. And we tried our hand at dating several times. BUT when it came down to it, I just wasn't falling for him. I didn't see him in the way I SO wanted to see him. Because I thought
"heck, good guys are hard to come by" and "this guy is a GOOD guy and treated me so well."
 But something was missing. I remember talking to my mom trying to explain why I wasn't into him, because even as I was trying to explain why it didn't make sense, he seemed to be everything I was looking for.

I remember saying, "I don't know, Mom, I just don't like him."
She looked at me and replied, "And you don't have to."
It can be that simple.

My mom's simple statement has helped changed my view of dating. I realized that I had crossed a line between dating guys just because they liked me, to realizing what's important and dating good guys, then far over the line to the extreme of feeling like I HAD to date certain guys because they were good guys.

  Do you have to like someone because they seem to be a good guy? Do you have to create a relationship with someone who fits into your "perfect" list just because he does fit the bill? No way.
I tried and tried to convince myself to like this guy. I tried to create feelings that weren't really there. But when it comes down to it
Would I want someone to have to CONVINCE himself to like me?
Definitely not.
Things and people can seem perfect on paper but it's important to pay attention to your heart and use your head.
I am not saying to throw caution to the wind and forget what's important to you. I am not saying to stick to a list or not stick to a list. I am saying to give people chances, but if things aren't right, they aren't right. Period. I believe God uses inklings and red flags like this to direct us to what is right and away from what is not. I think it is a good thing to make a list to keep you focused on what you are striving for. But I also think it's a good thing not to pay so much attention to sticking to the "perfect on paper" list that you're forgetting real life, and how somebody is really treating you, and how you really feel about them in the grand scheme of things. Because goodness knows, you can't capture that on paper.

The Grass is Greener

The Grass is Greener

Lately I've seen a lot of posts regarding topics such as, "Sorry married people, but being single is actually better" or "Sorry single people, being married is actually better". Each time I see a post like this I think to myself, 'I didn't know it was a competition!?' Then I read the comments under these posts and it's literally just one giant argument. There are so many people out there trying to defend their case and prove that they are, in fact, the happier person. 
But the truth is, you can actually be happy in either situation, 

and that's okay!

 

"THE GRASS IS GREENER

WHERE YOU WATER IT."

-Neil Barringham 

I think the real issue here is insecurity. We play these "I'm better than you" games to overcompensate for what we are really feeling on the inside. Maybe the real deal is the fact that each side sees something in the other that they want. 

The single person looks at a married couple and wishes for that intimacy. They may long for a companion, but they don't want to seem desperate and lonely so they try to act strong.  The married person may look at the single person and miss the times that they were able to be selfish and completely independent. In response to those feelings, they try to remind themselves of all the good things that they have now that they are committed to someone. This helps them justify the fact that they gave up a little bit of their independence for a selfless commitment. 

Overall, both the single person and the married person may not be completely unhappy with their lives; But a person who is truly content with their spot in life is not going want to play the comparison game.

A person who is truly content with their spot in life is not going want to play the comparison game.

It may not even be a matter of jealousy or insecurity. Another reason as to why people may act this way is the fact that they aren't trying to see the other side. That's so great that you think your life is the bomb-diggity! Just keep in mind that not everyone has the same preferences. Maybe the single person really does enjoy being free, spontaneous, and self reliant. And just maybe they can't imagine ever being "tied down" to a committed relationship... It's just not for them.  Maybe the married person really does love waking up next to the love of their life everyday. And maybe they couldn't ever handle the thought of being alone. That lifestyle just isn't their fit. Just because you don't prefer to live your life in the same ways doesn't give you the right to act like you are better than the other person for it. Why can't we all just get along and be happy for each other?

You can find contentment through any walk of life. It's all a matter of perspective. The moment that you stop focusing on your blessings and start thinking about what others have is when you become unhappy. It's okay to be a completely happy single person, and it is also okay to be completely content in a marriage. 

All in all, we need to enjoy the little things in our lives and count our blessings.  

Stop trying to prove yourself to everyone. When it all comes down to it, the only person who can give you a true sense of validity is yourself, but only if you 

have the right mindset.  

When you stop getting wrapped up in how other people are living their lives and start doing what makes you happy instead, that is when you can truly enjoy life. 

The Tale of THE Most Awkward Blind Date

Anyone ever been on a blind date? How did it go? Was he cute? Was there good conversation? Any sparks? Or was it so completely and utterly awkward that you and your family & friends still laugh about it 5 years later? Yeaaaah....so...

A few years ago when my sister was in college, I, for some STRANGE reason (which I still do not understand), let my sister convince me to go to a college dance with her.  She said that she and her ex boyfriend had found a date for me already, all I had to do was come. Hmmm...

Red flag number one.

Well, I should have considered the fact that my sister's psycho EX was the one setting me up with a date, and that's really not the best idea in the first place. 

 Red flag number two.

Not to mention, going on a double date with your sister, her ex, and a complete stranger just MIGHT be a little awkward in and of itself. 

Red flag number three.

But, I went down in faith that it was going to be a fun, memorable night! 

                                                                                                     ....Well, it WAS memorable.

After going on an educational day trip with my sister, her ex, and their horrible,erratic driver of a professor, we came back to my sister's apartment to get ready for the dance.  I was barely getting over my lingering carsickness from the day's trip with the nutty professor, but I managed to get ready and feel semi-okay.  Then I overheard my sister and her ex on the phone talking.... and it turns out my sister's ex met my date... at a construction site.  

Red flag number four.

After having a slight freak out and telling my sister I no longer wanted to go and trying to get out of it, my sister's ex and my date showed up.  This is the part of the story where I would love to say that he was tall, dark, handsome, mysteriously sexy, and tanned from his long hours in the sun working, and that all of my anxiety over going out with this construction-site-find-of-a stranger was erased. 

                                                Well...he was at least 2 inches shorter than me, very shy, and barely spoke a lick of English.   

Red flag number five.

Needless to say the night was full of awkward silences, saying "I'm sorry, what was that?," awkward slow dances looking down at my date, and trying to understand each other over the loud music and obvious language barrier. AWK.WARD.NESS.  

Now, my sister and I laugh until we cry about that night.  And now I know: Never let your sister's ex set you up with a blind date. And if you, for some reason do, make SURE they speak your language.

The Soul Mate Theory

The Soul Mate Theory

"When you know, you'll know..." 

 I know when people use this phrase, they mean no harm at all, but it still makes me cringe a little bit when I hear it come out of someone's mouth. A lot of engaged and newly married people tend to say this and I don't think they realize how it can come off to a single person. It's so easy to say those words once you've finally settled down with someone. What if someone truly though that they "knew", but then it all fell apart? Are you discrediting that person's feelings? To me, it's an awfully bold thing to say. You are basically stating that you could predict how your future was going to play out. Honestly, I don't think it's about "knowing" or about finally crossing paths with "the one". 

The way I see it, it's less about fate
and much more about finding someone who is
into the same flavor of life. 

I think that there are multiple people out there that you could meet and find compatibility. And if the environment is right, then you could make it work in a committed relationship and maybe even turn it into marriage. BUT, love is a two way street. You both need to be in the right timing, and have the same goals to make it work. If one is all in, and the other is not, then things just aren't going to flow. When you finally come across someone that recognizes "hey, she's my style of person!",  and you both decide to stick it out for the long-run, that is when it works. I believe that up until you tie the knot with someone, anyone could potentially be your soul mate. BUT, once you get married, you are sealing that bond and (hopefully) signing up for a lifetime of commitment, through thick and thin. When this happens, congratulations, you've officially gained a soul mate!

As a little bit of a background, I will give you the very abridged version of my last relationship. I met this guy completely out of the blue. It was long distance, but we instantly hit it off. It really seemed like God had led the two of us to meet each other. I remember within the first two weeks I was crazy about him. Over the next few months we were talking every night, all night long on the phone and through skype. When we would visit each other, it was like nothing else in the world existed. Everything felt right, we even talked about marriage and kid's names. He told me that he really felt that I was meant to be his wife. I remember thinking to myself on a daily basis, "Wow, he is going to be my husband, I've finally found him!" I remember getting down on the floor, overwhelmed with gratitude, and thanking God for bringing him into my life. Every time I prayed about it, it felt right. Him and I would pray about it together and we both said it felt right. It was the ideal picture of love, in my mind, and I was so sure we were on the straight track to getting engaged. More time passed by and things rapidly started changing. He became very distant and when I asked him what was wrong, he basically told me that God took away his feelings for me and then, in a blink, he just dropped off the face of the earth. We never really got to talk it out or have closure. He was just gone.

"THE ONE"

In general, I feel that we put way too much weight behind those two words. Now before you get too upset at me, I promise I'm not out on some personal vendetta against all people in love. Trust me, that's the last thing I am trying to do! I am just trying to put my perspective out there. As a mid 20's single lady who has been in love twice, I just view things from a different angle.

Both times that I was in love, I remember thinking things like, "Wow, I can't wait to grow old with him!" or "This is the man that I want to marry!"  Obviously, now that I look back, neither of those things are going to happen with either of them. But at the time, I was so sure that I would spend all of eternity with them. Does that mean that I wasn't in love, or didn't know what I was feeling at the time? No. I did love both of them in different ways, and a piece of my heart will always have a little bit of love reserved for them. They are a part of who I am today.

 

I believe that there are different types of love and that the dynamics of love can change over time. I also believe that if and when I do marry someone, it will be the best kind of love that I've experienced yet. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in infatuation and compatibility. You could be completely smitten over someone at first, but over time as the layers start to peel back, things may change. This is why I want to debunk the "When you know, you'll know" phrase. It just simply not a fair statement. A lot of factors come into play whenever you are in a relationship. Things like timing, emotional issues, maturity, and unexpected curveballs can all affect the outcome of a relationship and determine whether it lives or dies. Sometimes things just aren't meant to happen, and that's okay. Just because it didn't work out, doesn't mean that the love wasn't real. At the time, you truly thought they were for you. 

But the thing is, we just can't know.

As a christian, I feel that sometimes my fellow christian peers are the worst offenders of this. We get so wrapped up in finding "the one" that God has set apart for us. Some christians talk about their future hypothetical spouses like there is one person on the face of the earth that is meant for them;  like there is this one and only guy out there somewhere twiddling his thumbs and waiting to meet you some day, "but he's just not ready yet". Sorry if this comes off a little blunt, but what if that person dies? Or what if they make a bad choice and go in the opposite direction? What if you go in the wrong direction? What if you cross paths but no one makes a move and you never see each other again? Well then, I guess you're just stuck being single forever then. Sorry about your luck!

Okay so yeah, maybe sometimes God does put people in our lives with the intentions of having something good come out of it. But there is still one major factor coming into play that we tend to forget about. It's a little something called free will. I don't think God is out to control our every move in life; I think that he just desires us to try our hardest to follow his will and try to walk down a path that is pleasing to him. He may put certain people in our lives with good intentions, but it is still ultimately up to both people and their free will to make it work. Just like I believe that God did put my ex in my life with the intention of us having a good thing together, but although I was fully on board with the plan, he chose to not stick it out. I think that there is more than one God-loving, good hearted man out there that could work for you, and that God would be completely happy to see you with. All that God cares about is that you honor him in your relationship. I think that if He see's that a couple is honoring him, He will bless that relationship in different ways. This can make it seem like God had set the two of you apart for each other all along.

So the bottom line is, yes, ultimately I do believe that your spouse becomes your soul mate. But I just don't want to see my fellow single ladies getting so wrapped up in trying to find their "one".  Get out there and scope out your surroundings. Keep your options open and your emotions in check. Just try not to be so hard on yourself and keep in mind that we can't always control the outcome. Sometimes there is nothing you could have done to make him stay because he has free will. But that's the beauty of it. One day, someone will use their free will and decide they want to stay. So just keep in mind that if the last one didn't work out, or maybe even the next one doesn't work out, you don't have to give up hope! There will be someone come along down the line that will see your value, and it will make him fall in love with you, and he will stick it out.