When I was about 16 and attending church, I remember during a lesson one Sunday in my Young Women's class (which consisted of all the girls in my church who were 12-18 years old) we were talking about what we wanted in our future spouses. We were then handed pieces of paper and told to take a few minutes and write down a few things we would like to see in our future husbands. It didn't take me long to compile a rather lengthy list of "qualities" I wanted in my future husband...
Handsome
Funny
Goes to my Church
Likes my music...
Goes to concerts
etc, etc
It was easy to think of things that would make up my "Dream Guy." At the time I was "kind of dating" a guy who went to my church, (you know-the awkward, teenage pre-everyonehasacellphoneandcantextastheyplease era and we would see each at her in school,church, and "hang out" every now and again after classes but happened to have major crushes on each other type of dating). I didn't really think too much about my list, or, for that matter, anything really other than the fact that I found this boy SUPER hot and we always seemed to have tons of fun together. Plus, he seemed to like me back! So it was a no-brainer right? Yeah... not so much. Shortly after we started "hang-out-dating" I found out things about this boy that I did not like at all. Things that were definitely deal breakers....( i.e. things like drug use and the complete betrayal and dishonesty that comes with it). I would like to say that I ran for the hills and never looked back. But he had those green-ish eyes and that shy, flirty smile, and HE LIKED ME BACK. The dream guy list was thrown out the window as I dated this boy for years, which led to more suffering, heartache, and loss than I knew I could possibly endure, but that's another story for another post (or several).
I (mistakenly) started dating right away after the break up from this green-eyed boy, sadly falling into the same type of trap...
Cute?..check
Seems to like me back?...check
and sad to say that's about where it ended. I didn't really care about the details. Because if a guy likes you back that's all that really matters right?! WRONG.
It took me a little while to realize that I get to choose what types of qualities are important to me. What things I am ok with and what things I am not willing to budge on. I found my teenage "Future Husband Qualities" list and decided I needed to make a new one. I realized how superficial most of the things on my list were, and that after years of dating I had come to know what things were really important to me, and what things were not-so-important.
For example, I don't think it's important if my dream guy listens to the exact same type of music I do. Would it be cool if we had similar tastes and could share the exact same music collection? You bet. But is that going to help him treat me with love and respect? At the end of the day is that what is going to have him kneel and pray with me before we go to sleep? No. What WILL make him do that is what's important to me-which is that he loves God with his whole heart. And by so doing his whole life reflects that.
Would I like it for my husband to love going to concerts as much as I do? Of course! But is that a deal breaker? Is that what makes him a good man, with a good, honest, and gentle heart? No. What would be a deal-breaker is if he were selfish and unwilling to support me in my hobbies, just as it would be selfish of me not to support him in his.
Last year I dated a guy who I thought could be my dream guy. If I would have written down the list of things he had to offer he would have been PERFECT ON PAPER.
Driven
Hard Worker
Goes to my church
Loves God
Has a good job
Great chemistry
and BONUS
Super Tall (I swoon for tall guys)
In the medical profession (sexy right?)
Brought me flowers
Planned amazing and fun dates
Even as I write that I am like WHY DIDN'T IT WORK OUT/WHY DID I END IT? Gah. Well, people can be perfect on paper but when it comes down to it, that doesn't make for the "perfect" relationship (yeah, there are no such things as perfect relationships, just ones that are perfect for you).
In the end, I chose to walk away from Mr. Tallmedstudent. As weird as it sounds there were some red flags and something ended up just not clicking, even after several months of dating. And thanks to past experience, I have learned to pay attention to red flags, because they are there for a reason.
Another guy I dated in the past few years had several of these "perfect on paper" qualities. And we tried our hand at dating several times. BUT when it came down to it, I just wasn't falling for him. I didn't see him in the way I SO wanted to see him. Because I thought
"heck, good guys are hard to come by" and "this guy is a GOOD guy and treated me so well."
But something was missing. I remember talking to my mom trying to explain why I wasn't into him, because even as I was trying to explain why it didn't make sense, he seemed to be everything I was looking for.
I remember saying, "I don't know, Mom, I just don't like him."
She looked at me and replied, "And you don't have to."
It can be that simple.
My mom's simple statement has helped changed my view of dating. I realized that I had crossed a line between dating guys just because they liked me, to realizing what's important and dating good guys, then far over the line to the extreme of feeling like I HAD to date certain guys because they were good guys.
Do you have to like someone because they seem to be a good guy? Do you have to create a relationship with someone who fits into your "perfect" list just because he does fit the bill? No way.
I tried and tried to convince myself to like this guy. I tried to create feelings that weren't really there. But when it comes down to it
Would I want someone to have to CONVINCE himself to like me?
Definitely not.
Things and people can seem perfect on paper but it's important to pay attention to your heart and use your head.
I am not saying to throw caution to the wind and forget what's important to you. I am not saying to stick to a list or not stick to a list. I am saying to give people chances, but if things aren't right, they aren't right. Period. I believe God uses inklings and red flags like this to direct us to what is right and away from what is not. I think it is a good thing to make a list to keep you focused on what you are striving for. But I also think it's a good thing not to pay so much attention to sticking to the "perfect on paper" list that you're forgetting real life, and how somebody is really treating you, and how you really feel about them in the grand scheme of things. Because goodness knows, you can't capture that on paper.
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