Not my fish

 

 First dates are painfully awkward.

  I think we can all agree on that. I've been trying online dating lately, and that can make the dating process even more awkward when you finally do decide to dive into the next step and meet up in person. To be honest, the date was fine. No horror stories or hilariously embarrassing moments came out of it. He was kind, gentlemanly, opened doors for me, and bought my dinner and movie ticket. He is a good looking guy too. Even though he had so many good things going for him on our date, the entire time, I couldn't help but think about how I just wasn't into him. To be honest, I don't really know what he could have done to make me like him. It just wasn't there.

But isn't that the point of dating?

I've spent the past day listening to people lecture me on how ridiculous I am being for "giving up" after the first date. "You can't possibly know by just meeting him one time!" "You have to go on at least two dates!" "It's not fair to give up on someone so soon!" The list goes on.... Okay, but what about all the stuff that the same exact people feed me like: "When you know, you know..." or "It was love at first sight!" It all seems sort of contradictory to me.

They could tell me this till they're blue in the face, but it's not going to change my mind. I don't believe in either concept, to be honest. But, what I do believe in is attraction and compatibility.  The purpose of going on dates is to determine if you have chemistry with someone. I think the first date is especially important when it comes to an online dating situation. Everything can seem great on paper, they may have a lot of good things going for them, and it may really seem that you are compatible with them... until you meet in person.

This guy I met on online dating was nice and I did enjoy messaging back and forth with him. We even video chatted for 2 1/2 hours before our official date. He had a lot of stuff I was looking for and even a few added bonuses: leadership, determined, family oriented, good looking, serious christian, etc.... He seemed like a good, sensible guy and so I was willing to give him a shot. I honestly thought that I was going to like him. I think the major motivational factor in going on a date with him was to push myself to get back out there and give someone a chance. 

We sat at dinner and talked for a while and then walked around the mall for a while more before the movie. It just didn't click. I wasn't expecting fireworks, but there wasn't even the slightest hint of a spark. I found myself just wanting to get the date over with, not because anything bad was happening, but because I just knew that I wasn't feeling it. I honestly have felt more chemistry with some of the guys who I have rung out at work, or shook hands with in church. 

The thing is, you either have that "thing", or you don't. 

I'm not talking deeply emotional soul mate stuff, I'm just talking initial attraction. Being with him in person made me realize that I could just never see myself with him. I couldn't picture myself ever wanting to cuddle with, kiss him, or hold his hand. I think that is an important thing to feel when you are looking to date someone. 

My point is, there have been guys that I would consider less attractive than him, that I did want to kiss. And I've been on some really awkward/embarrassing dates where I still felt that click regardless of the circumstances. Sometimes I see my very attractive friends who are so in love with their significant others, but I don't find their men attractive and they don't seem all that fun. They see something in them that I can't. One of the little things that sort of got under my skin on my date was the fact that he wore this silly old man golfer hat the ENTIRE date. I didn't like his hat, but chances are, some girl is going to fall in love with him and his silly old man hat. And that's perfectly okay.

There is no logic behind chemistry and attraction. It happens in the most unconventional way and it catches people off guard. I think that is the beauty of the whole thing. The thrill of defying logic and making something work when it, at times, seems unlikely. My main point is this: don't get caught up in trying to make it work with the wrong person just because it seems like the logical thing to do.

Just because they are really great, maybe even a "prize" fish, doesn't mean that they are your type of fish. 

There are lots of fish in the sea and so that means that we can hook some, but we also need to be willing to throw some back. Don't listen to others' judgements and don't make yourself feel bad for turning down what others think is the right choice. Do what is right for you and one of these days you might find that you hook one and never want to let them go.

"Maybe It's a Sign!" (He's Just Not That Into You Part II)

I don't know about you, but I have heard everyone and their grandmother say this to their friends-especially those of us who are dating.  I know I personally have been guilty of saying it, probably more times than I can count. 

Just the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about a new guy she liked and was starting to date.  She was telling me of some random things about him...you know things like,  "His favorite show is Psych too! And he even loves listening to Frank Sinatra!"  And I found myself saying "Hey! Maybe it's a sign!" As soon as it escaped my lips I instantly felt weird about it. This time it made me cringe. 

I got to thinking why I might have had this reaction. Why would I feel hesitant and slightly guilty for exclaiming this out of my own excitement? After all, she is a dear friend, and she might have found a guy who could be "THE ONE." 

It kind of came to me as I was thinking about the movies 500 Days of Summer. There's a scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom, is talking to his little sister, Rachel, about Summer, the girl who he thought was "the one," but had broken his heart. 

Tom: "She likes Magritte and Hopper. And we talked about Bananafish for like 20 minutes. We're so compatable it's insane! ..."

Rachel: "Oh boy."

Tom: "What?"

Rachel: "Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate..."

Then I got thinking of the opening scene on He' Just Not That Into You. The whole thing is DEAD on. Seriously, watch here:

I know for me personally, I am always SO excited for my friends who find good guys they want to date. I love these girls with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have their dreams come true of finding Mr. Right.  I try to cheer them on and be a big support and encourage them in their dating lives. Just like they do for me. But there comes a point when there is a line that is SO easy to cross. It is so easy to get so excited that we miss the facts. The rose colored glasses go on and I think we get so distracted by finding guys who have similar tastes and/or beliefs as us that we can miss red flags and other issues that might exist with a potential match. Because let's face it, it IS exciting to find guys who you have a lot in common with. But like Amanda was talking about in her last post, it is easy to fall for an the ideal you have built up of a man. Which also makes it easier for a bigger letdown if things don't work out. 

Then there's the fact that we take things that are negative, like a guy not calling, and make excuses by saying "It's probably because he lost your number!" or "I am sure he was just really busy this weekend!" and we comfort ourselves with these things, make too many allowances for too long, and think it's acceptable behavior. We just re-adjust those rosey glasses and hang on for dear life to the "good signs" like how he brought you those flowers that one time a few months ago and you ALWAYS  wanted a guy who brings you flowers. 

As an example from my own dating life, I fell in love with a guy who I thought was "the one." There were "signs" all over the place.  And as I look back on it, I took things and made them into signs more than I'd like to admit because I was so head-over-heels and I SO wanted him to be "the one." I prayed about it, I felt like my answer was yes, he was who God wanted me to be with. Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't understand why we weren't going to end up together. I mean, everything I knew pointed to him. I prayed about it, the signs were there, everything. But nonetheless he was not meant to be "the one" for me after all. Long story short I feel like God had told me yes still, but you can't control other's use of their own free will and agency. If he had chosen to keep his promises to me, and act on what he knew was right and be the man who I was going to spend my life with it would have been a yes. But he chose not to. And I couldn't change that. God won't force anyone, it isn't His way. He places people, answers to prayers, and opportunities in our lives for us, it's up to us what we do with them.

The funny thing is, I probably got as many, if not more, signs pointing away from this boy, telling me it wasn't a good idea. But because I was in love and took other silly things as "signs" I ignored the real ones telling me I should just walk away. I have seen it happen with my friends too. When you find someone who you are interested in it becomes easy to focus on these "signs" that we should be with this person... 

i.e. they like the same music, they have the same goals, they share the same beliefs, they treat you with respect, they say things you like, etc. 

It makes it more confusing if things sour between the two of you. You wonder why the signs were there in the first place. You doubt whether signs exist at all.

But I believe they do exist, for good and for bad. I just think we misread them or give them way too much credit too quickly, without really getting to know someone first . Because the truth is you WILL find guys who like the same "bizarro crap" you do. You WILL find guys you have great chemistry with. You WILL want to take every little detail and make it into a sign because you really like them. BUT that doesn't make them your soul mate. It doesn't mean that you won't find it again. Use caution and see people for who they really are, and how they really  treat you. Look for the signs that are not only endearing, but enduring. Things that will last a lifetime and beyond. Don't just follow your heart blindly, you're head needs to go along for the ride as well.