"Maybe It's a Sign!" (He's Just Not That Into You Part II)

I don't know about you, but I have heard everyone and their grandmother say this to their friends-especially those of us who are dating.  I know I personally have been guilty of saying it, probably more times than I can count. 

Just the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about a new guy she liked and was starting to date.  She was telling me of some random things about him...you know things like,  "His favorite show is Psych too! And he even loves listening to Frank Sinatra!"  And I found myself saying "Hey! Maybe it's a sign!" As soon as it escaped my lips I instantly felt weird about it. This time it made me cringe. 

I got to thinking why I might have had this reaction. Why would I feel hesitant and slightly guilty for exclaiming this out of my own excitement? After all, she is a dear friend, and she might have found a guy who could be "THE ONE." 

It kind of came to me as I was thinking about the movies 500 Days of Summer. There's a scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom, is talking to his little sister, Rachel, about Summer, the girl who he thought was "the one," but had broken his heart. 

Tom: "She likes Magritte and Hopper. And we talked about Bananafish for like 20 minutes. We're so compatable it's insane! ..."

Rachel: "Oh boy."

Tom: "What?"

Rachel: "Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate..."

Then I got thinking of the opening scene on He' Just Not That Into You. The whole thing is DEAD on. Seriously, watch here:

I know for me personally, I am always SO excited for my friends who find good guys they want to date. I love these girls with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have their dreams come true of finding Mr. Right.  I try to cheer them on and be a big support and encourage them in their dating lives. Just like they do for me. But there comes a point when there is a line that is SO easy to cross. It is so easy to get so excited that we miss the facts. The rose colored glasses go on and I think we get so distracted by finding guys who have similar tastes and/or beliefs as us that we can miss red flags and other issues that might exist with a potential match. Because let's face it, it IS exciting to find guys who you have a lot in common with. But like Amanda was talking about in her last post, it is easy to fall for an the ideal you have built up of a man. Which also makes it easier for a bigger letdown if things don't work out. 

Then there's the fact that we take things that are negative, like a guy not calling, and make excuses by saying "It's probably because he lost your number!" or "I am sure he was just really busy this weekend!" and we comfort ourselves with these things, make too many allowances for too long, and think it's acceptable behavior. We just re-adjust those rosey glasses and hang on for dear life to the "good signs" like how he brought you those flowers that one time a few months ago and you ALWAYS  wanted a guy who brings you flowers. 

As an example from my own dating life, I fell in love with a guy who I thought was "the one." There were "signs" all over the place.  And as I look back on it, I took things and made them into signs more than I'd like to admit because I was so head-over-heels and I SO wanted him to be "the one." I prayed about it, I felt like my answer was yes, he was who God wanted me to be with. Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't understand why we weren't going to end up together. I mean, everything I knew pointed to him. I prayed about it, the signs were there, everything. But nonetheless he was not meant to be "the one" for me after all. Long story short I feel like God had told me yes still, but you can't control other's use of their own free will and agency. If he had chosen to keep his promises to me, and act on what he knew was right and be the man who I was going to spend my life with it would have been a yes. But he chose not to. And I couldn't change that. God won't force anyone, it isn't His way. He places people, answers to prayers, and opportunities in our lives for us, it's up to us what we do with them.

The funny thing is, I probably got as many, if not more, signs pointing away from this boy, telling me it wasn't a good idea. But because I was in love and took other silly things as "signs" I ignored the real ones telling me I should just walk away. I have seen it happen with my friends too. When you find someone who you are interested in it becomes easy to focus on these "signs" that we should be with this person... 

i.e. they like the same music, they have the same goals, they share the same beliefs, they treat you with respect, they say things you like, etc. 

It makes it more confusing if things sour between the two of you. You wonder why the signs were there in the first place. You doubt whether signs exist at all.

But I believe they do exist, for good and for bad. I just think we misread them or give them way too much credit too quickly, without really getting to know someone first . Because the truth is you WILL find guys who like the same "bizarro crap" you do. You WILL find guys you have great chemistry with. You WILL want to take every little detail and make it into a sign because you really like them. BUT that doesn't make them your soul mate. It doesn't mean that you won't find it again. Use caution and see people for who they really are, and how they really  treat you. Look for the signs that are not only endearing, but enduring. Things that will last a lifetime and beyond. Don't just follow your heart blindly, you're head needs to go along for the ride as well.

The Soul Mate Theory

The Soul Mate Theory

"When you know, you'll know..." 

 I know when people use this phrase, they mean no harm at all, but it still makes me cringe a little bit when I hear it come out of someone's mouth. A lot of engaged and newly married people tend to say this and I don't think they realize how it can come off to a single person. It's so easy to say those words once you've finally settled down with someone. What if someone truly though that they "knew", but then it all fell apart? Are you discrediting that person's feelings? To me, it's an awfully bold thing to say. You are basically stating that you could predict how your future was going to play out. Honestly, I don't think it's about "knowing" or about finally crossing paths with "the one". 

The way I see it, it's less about fate
and much more about finding someone who is
into the same flavor of life. 

I think that there are multiple people out there that you could meet and find compatibility. And if the environment is right, then you could make it work in a committed relationship and maybe even turn it into marriage. BUT, love is a two way street. You both need to be in the right timing, and have the same goals to make it work. If one is all in, and the other is not, then things just aren't going to flow. When you finally come across someone that recognizes "hey, she's my style of person!",  and you both decide to stick it out for the long-run, that is when it works. I believe that up until you tie the knot with someone, anyone could potentially be your soul mate. BUT, once you get married, you are sealing that bond and (hopefully) signing up for a lifetime of commitment, through thick and thin. When this happens, congratulations, you've officially gained a soul mate!

As a little bit of a background, I will give you the very abridged version of my last relationship. I met this guy completely out of the blue. It was long distance, but we instantly hit it off. It really seemed like God had led the two of us to meet each other. I remember within the first two weeks I was crazy about him. Over the next few months we were talking every night, all night long on the phone and through skype. When we would visit each other, it was like nothing else in the world existed. Everything felt right, we even talked about marriage and kid's names. He told me that he really felt that I was meant to be his wife. I remember thinking to myself on a daily basis, "Wow, he is going to be my husband, I've finally found him!" I remember getting down on the floor, overwhelmed with gratitude, and thanking God for bringing him into my life. Every time I prayed about it, it felt right. Him and I would pray about it together and we both said it felt right. It was the ideal picture of love, in my mind, and I was so sure we were on the straight track to getting engaged. More time passed by and things rapidly started changing. He became very distant and when I asked him what was wrong, he basically told me that God took away his feelings for me and then, in a blink, he just dropped off the face of the earth. We never really got to talk it out or have closure. He was just gone.

"THE ONE"

In general, I feel that we put way too much weight behind those two words. Now before you get too upset at me, I promise I'm not out on some personal vendetta against all people in love. Trust me, that's the last thing I am trying to do! I am just trying to put my perspective out there. As a mid 20's single lady who has been in love twice, I just view things from a different angle.

Both times that I was in love, I remember thinking things like, "Wow, I can't wait to grow old with him!" or "This is the man that I want to marry!"  Obviously, now that I look back, neither of those things are going to happen with either of them. But at the time, I was so sure that I would spend all of eternity with them. Does that mean that I wasn't in love, or didn't know what I was feeling at the time? No. I did love both of them in different ways, and a piece of my heart will always have a little bit of love reserved for them. They are a part of who I am today.

 

I believe that there are different types of love and that the dynamics of love can change over time. I also believe that if and when I do marry someone, it will be the best kind of love that I've experienced yet. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in infatuation and compatibility. You could be completely smitten over someone at first, but over time as the layers start to peel back, things may change. This is why I want to debunk the "When you know, you'll know" phrase. It just simply not a fair statement. A lot of factors come into play whenever you are in a relationship. Things like timing, emotional issues, maturity, and unexpected curveballs can all affect the outcome of a relationship and determine whether it lives or dies. Sometimes things just aren't meant to happen, and that's okay. Just because it didn't work out, doesn't mean that the love wasn't real. At the time, you truly thought they were for you. 

But the thing is, we just can't know.

As a christian, I feel that sometimes my fellow christian peers are the worst offenders of this. We get so wrapped up in finding "the one" that God has set apart for us. Some christians talk about their future hypothetical spouses like there is one person on the face of the earth that is meant for them;  like there is this one and only guy out there somewhere twiddling his thumbs and waiting to meet you some day, "but he's just not ready yet". Sorry if this comes off a little blunt, but what if that person dies? Or what if they make a bad choice and go in the opposite direction? What if you go in the wrong direction? What if you cross paths but no one makes a move and you never see each other again? Well then, I guess you're just stuck being single forever then. Sorry about your luck!

Okay so yeah, maybe sometimes God does put people in our lives with the intentions of having something good come out of it. But there is still one major factor coming into play that we tend to forget about. It's a little something called free will. I don't think God is out to control our every move in life; I think that he just desires us to try our hardest to follow his will and try to walk down a path that is pleasing to him. He may put certain people in our lives with good intentions, but it is still ultimately up to both people and their free will to make it work. Just like I believe that God did put my ex in my life with the intention of us having a good thing together, but although I was fully on board with the plan, he chose to not stick it out. I think that there is more than one God-loving, good hearted man out there that could work for you, and that God would be completely happy to see you with. All that God cares about is that you honor him in your relationship. I think that if He see's that a couple is honoring him, He will bless that relationship in different ways. This can make it seem like God had set the two of you apart for each other all along.

So the bottom line is, yes, ultimately I do believe that your spouse becomes your soul mate. But I just don't want to see my fellow single ladies getting so wrapped up in trying to find their "one".  Get out there and scope out your surroundings. Keep your options open and your emotions in check. Just try not to be so hard on yourself and keep in mind that we can't always control the outcome. Sometimes there is nothing you could have done to make him stay because he has free will. But that's the beauty of it. One day, someone will use their free will and decide they want to stay. So just keep in mind that if the last one didn't work out, or maybe even the next one doesn't work out, you don't have to give up hope! There will be someone come along down the line that will see your value, and it will make him fall in love with you, and he will stick it out.