What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Single (Part I)

I know EVERYONE who is single has at one time or another had those absolutely fun, pleasant, completely unsolicited conversations with friends, acquaintances, and hey, COMPLETE STRANGERS about their love lives.  You attend a wedding without a date, at work in the break room everyone is talking about their girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, or kids and you stay quiet, you're at a party making small talk with people and somehow someone inevitably finds out your single. No big deal right? Riiiiiight. Then someone well-meaningly annoyingly feels the need to help you out, to share their genius into all things relationship, to rescue you from your poor, pitiful, lonely, single state. YOU LUCKY DOG YOU. 

These are just some of the gems I have heard from people who are trying to save me from a life full of lonely nights, cat obsessions, netflix binging, and chocolate indulgence that will OBVIOUSLY be my future if I don't find myself a man STAT.

By the time I was your age I had already been married for (blank) years! / By the time I was your age I had (this many) kids!

-So, basically what you're telling me is that I am defective for reaching my age and not tying the knot or procreating? I didn't realize that opening my own business, excelling at my job, moving across country, completing vocational training, or supporting myself didn't count as "successes." My bad.

You should try harder

-Um, I am a little confused as to why you think I don't try in the first place? I guess suffering through all those blind dates, set ups, boyfriends, dating websites, and singles activities didn't count as trying. Whoops.

It will happen when you stop looking

-Didn't you just tell me to try harder?? I am sensing you have no idea what you're talking about.

(Blank) is the reason you don't have a boy/girlfriend

-Ooooooh. Oh ok. Wooow. Thanks. Thank you so much. I didn't realize THAT was the reason. That makes it so easy! Thank you so much, random citizen, that I just met/barely know for clearing that up for me. I'll change myself right away because you said so, and now I can sleep soundly at night because I can FINALLY catch a man.

I know that my brother's ex-girlfriends mother's trainer's florist is single! You'd be perfect together!

-I am really SO, so flattered to know that this person whom you do not even know is trustworthy enough to give my heart to.  Thank you for being willing to hand me off to a complete stranger so you can fix my singleness and feel good about the fact that you set us up. I mean it can't fail right?! We are both single so we CLEARLY have so much in common and are destined to be wed!

Since you don't have a boy/girlfriend you must have so much free time

-Yeah, I don't know how I stand myself with ALL my free time after I get done running my new business, working 2 other jobs, doing volunteer work, attending seminars, traveling, and living my life. There is just SO much time. And sleeping too, I get a lot of that.

I feel sorry for you, you must be so lonely

-Yes. Truly. Because I don't have a significant other that clearly means I have NO ONE in my life and that I am sad and lonely and miserable and depressed. I'll just sit here on my couch, and stuff my face with my seventh box of chocolates and re-watch every chick flick I've ever owned whilst I sob, pining for my true love.

Don't worry, someday you'll find your happily ever after

-So what you're saying is I can't be happy unless I am married, right?? Well dang I guess this smile I have on my face every day better go to heck because I'm not married and it isn't supposed to be around yet. How foolish of me.

You're just being too picky

-Silly me. I thought that after having my after having my heart broken severely by men who were lazy, unthoughtful, selfish, unromantic, cheating, lying BOYS that raising my standards to dating MEN who treat me well was a good thing. I guess I must have thought I was worth something, that I deserved to be treated better or something. I guess I should go back to dating the scum of the earth because that has worked so well before. And clearly settling is the way to go. I thought I eventually wanted a stable, healthy relationship and happiness. What was I thinking??? Psh...

"It's Not You, It's Me"

I don't know about you, but I have grown up hearing this little diddy over and over and over.  It's everywhere- from sitcoms, to movies, radio stations, and books. It's known as a pretty cliche little phrase.  I always kinda joked around using it, throwing it into random late night conversations with my friends as we would try to figure out how to move seamlessly from one crush/interest of the week to the other.  Ya know, the "Just tell him, 'It's not you, it's me.'"

 It always seemed like the least messy option. Clean cut. Doesn't require any further explanation. It blocks any argument. Because hey, it seems to the dumpee that you are being the kind one, letting them off the hook. You are "just too involved with your career/schoolwork right now."  You're a "glutton for punishment."  You "don't know what you want so you don't want to be selfish and drag anyone through it."

Seems so noble. 

The dumpee might even feel the need to apologize, comfort, and otherwise help the dumper. The dumpee will probably go as far as to brazenly defend the dumper to their friends and family when the news of the break up spreads. Because after all, they are struggling, and being so selfless and letting the dumpee off the hook from a less than desirable relationship. It seems like they should feel bad for the dumper. 

Well after being on the receiving AND giving end of saying "It's not you, it's me," I am here to tell you that truer words have never been spoken.

When my last serious boyfriend broke up with me he gave me an hour and half long soliloquy that basically embodied "It's not you, it's me" to perfection.

He was very convincing.  I wound up feeling sorry for him. I was angry when people would bash him after my break up.  Then time passed and the initial shock and heartbreak of my failed relationship ebbed and I began to stop seeing him through rose colored glasses. I began to stop blaming myself for him not wanting me. I began to realize that 

"You're dang right it's YOU, pal!" 

You were fake, I was great.

I was the best girlfriend you've ever had, and the coolest chick you knew (both of which I was told on numerous occasions). I was thoughtful, sweet, kind, & caring. I let you have your space. I let you play your games. I was there when you needed me and backed off when you didn't. I was the freakin ideal girlfriend. I  never once deserved such callus and unkind treatment. But ya know what? I got it. And ya know what? 

You're right, it WAS you, it wasn't me.

 So in the end, thank you for letting me off the hook. It doesn't seem so cliche after all.

Now after being on the receiving end, I admit I have been the one uttering this phrase a time or two since that horrible break up. In my case it was definitely me. But for good reasons. I wasn't being selfish and trying to appear thoughtful and noble. I was being as honest as I could. That breakup totally changed my world and everything about it. It completely altered the way I looked at other people, the way I judged the intentions of others, how I saw dating, how I saw men, I even stopped believing in love for a long time. I was scared and scarred and broken. I had no trust for anyone.  And I mistakenly thought that jumping right back into dating after this long relationship ended was the right thing to do. I thought I needed to get back out there right away. That led to nothing but sobbing on the phone with my mom and having a severe anxiety attack while driving home from that first post-relationship date and me doubting whether or not the part of me that can love someone was actually still there and not perpetually broken.

That first date back was with a guy who was a genuine, caring, thoughtful, sweet, honest gentleman. He truly didn't deserve getting dragged through the mud with me. I tried and tried to make it work, but I couldn't. Because I needed to work on me first. It was entirely too soon for me to try and enter another relationship. And so I distanced myself from this guy, with basically the explanation that "it's not you, it's me." And once again, truer words have never been spoken. 

I take full responsibility for the downfall of that relationship. I wasn't trying to have him think that I was being noble. I wasn't doing it to spare his ego. I wasn't saying it because it would prevent any argument he could come up with. I was saying it because it was the truth. 

That, to me, is what it is all about.  You have to be aware of the intentions and motives behind what people say.  You have to see things as the really are. Some people are fake. Simple as that. They aren't being careful with your feelings and noble, they are being selfish and feeding you a line. Then there are the times when those cliche lines become true. And if there is a time, use them for the right reasons.  Be the type of person/date that those who date you know that you are an honest and thoughtful person. Be someone who YOU would like to date. Develop those characteristics. Don't feed people lines because it is the easy way out. Be genuine. And if you ever are on the receiving end of

"It's not you, it's me"

know that one way or another, it's for darn sure the truth.

One for the Boys

   

"Super BF" (Fancy Doodle by Amanda)

He's just a man...

  He's sweet, he's chivalrous, he's passionate, he's handsome.... the list goes on! He loves god, respects his parents, and volunteers to help others. Great! He's a hopeless romantic who writes you poems, brings you flowers, and serenades you from outside your bedroom window. Or maybe he's tall, dark, and handsome, with a six figure income. He's everything you've ever imagined in a dream guy and seems perfect in every way! Either way, when we meet a nice guy that seems to have everything we are looking for, we tend to embellish it a bit and forget the fact that they are just normal human beings.

In the past, I have been totally guilty of this. Sometimes when a good guy comes along, I subconsciously uphold him to an almost god-like status. I hang onto all of the little details that are good and tend to overlook the negatives. I forget that he is flawed and has struggles on a daily basis just like I do. While it is okay to daydream and be lovestruck at times, it is important to get your head out of the clouds every once in awhile.

I'm pretty sure I am not the only offender of this sort of thing. ;)

There are a few reasons as to why this 
mindset can be dangerous:

1.) First and foremost, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It is very important not to put all of your faith into a person, because they are bound to let you down at some point in your life. If you view your man as some perfect entity, the day he messes up you are going to come crashing down and be taken off guard. Don't get me wrong, there are some really great guys out there. But despite all of the great things about them, they have struggles on a daily basis, and they will mess up. Even the kindest, smartest, most god-fearing, man is going to have bad days and the are going to sometimes say hurtful things or make poor choices. Ultimately we should be placing our trust and confidence in God, because he is the only one that will never let us down. 

He is the only constant.

2.) The moment you start to build someone up too high, you are opening up a gateway to total emotional dependance. In the past, I got completely wrapped up in this one guy and started to build my life around him. In the midst of our time together, I kept my rose colored glasses on and chose to only see the good. I depended on him for my emotional security. I used him as my crutch to get through hard times. I was so infatuated with him that I overlooked completely absurd things that he did and I allowed him to treat me like dirt. I bent over backwards for him and if he said, "jump!" I'd ask, "how high??" When things between us went sour and he was no longer part of my life, I initially felt helpless. I truly thought that I needed him to help me navigate through life. I couldn't imagine going on without him by my side. I spent a solid six months in a mini-coma, freaking out and sulking because I didn't know how to "do life" without him to guide me.

3.) It puts a lot of pressure on your man. I'm pretty positive that guys can sense when we are expecting too much from them. It is stressful trying to live up to such high standards. I think in some cases this is what can cause guys to push away and/or run in the opposite direction. They sense that you uphold them to such a high standard and it freaks them out a little bit. Now I'm all for equality of the sexes and I would even consider myself to be a slight feminist, but in a lot of cases, it is still up to the guy to be the leader of the household. A lot of times, more weight is put on him to be the "bread-winner" and the problem solver. My last ex once said to me, "You deserve more than I can give you. I'm not a perfect guy. I have so much to work on. Sometimes I feel like you could do better than me." I think his main issue was the fact that he was really feeling the pressure when he thought about our future together and what he thought he was capable of bringing to the table. I think ultimately this thought process was what caused him to get cold feet and push away. We were both at fault. He was such a talented, sweet, caring, guy and so I got wrapped up in him and treated him like he was the most perfect person I'd ever met in my life. He got caught up in trying to live up to the reputation, lost confidence along the way, and caved under the pressure.

All in all, my main point is to remind us all to come back down to earth every now and then. Cut your man some slack and make sure that you let him know that you don't expect perfection from him, and that you still love him unconditionally despite the fact that he has weaknesses and flaws. Once you take your man off of his pedestal and view each other on the same level keeping in mind that you both are just imperfect beings, it leads to much more realistic expectations. Even for us single ladies on the prowl, it is good for us to keep this in mind while seeking potential partners. Keeping a realistic perspective on things will help you to have a healthier more satisfying relationship in the long-run. And last but not least, build your foundation around God, 

the only one who will never ever fail you.