"Maybe It's a Sign!" (He's Just Not That Into You Part II)

I don't know about you, but I have heard everyone and their grandmother say this to their friends-especially those of us who are dating.  I know I personally have been guilty of saying it, probably more times than I can count. 

Just the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about a new guy she liked and was starting to date.  She was telling me of some random things about him...you know things like,  "His favorite show is Psych too! And he even loves listening to Frank Sinatra!"  And I found myself saying "Hey! Maybe it's a sign!" As soon as it escaped my lips I instantly felt weird about it. This time it made me cringe. 

I got to thinking why I might have had this reaction. Why would I feel hesitant and slightly guilty for exclaiming this out of my own excitement? After all, she is a dear friend, and she might have found a guy who could be "THE ONE." 

It kind of came to me as I was thinking about the movies 500 Days of Summer. There's a scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom, is talking to his little sister, Rachel, about Summer, the girl who he thought was "the one," but had broken his heart. 

Tom: "She likes Magritte and Hopper. And we talked about Bananafish for like 20 minutes. We're so compatable it's insane! ..."

Rachel: "Oh boy."

Tom: "What?"

Rachel: "Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate..."

Then I got thinking of the opening scene on He' Just Not That Into You. The whole thing is DEAD on. Seriously, watch here:

I know for me personally, I am always SO excited for my friends who find good guys they want to date. I love these girls with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have their dreams come true of finding Mr. Right.  I try to cheer them on and be a big support and encourage them in their dating lives. Just like they do for me. But there comes a point when there is a line that is SO easy to cross. It is so easy to get so excited that we miss the facts. The rose colored glasses go on and I think we get so distracted by finding guys who have similar tastes and/or beliefs as us that we can miss red flags and other issues that might exist with a potential match. Because let's face it, it IS exciting to find guys who you have a lot in common with. But like Amanda was talking about in her last post, it is easy to fall for an the ideal you have built up of a man. Which also makes it easier for a bigger letdown if things don't work out. 

Then there's the fact that we take things that are negative, like a guy not calling, and make excuses by saying "It's probably because he lost your number!" or "I am sure he was just really busy this weekend!" and we comfort ourselves with these things, make too many allowances for too long, and think it's acceptable behavior. We just re-adjust those rosey glasses and hang on for dear life to the "good signs" like how he brought you those flowers that one time a few months ago and you ALWAYS  wanted a guy who brings you flowers. 

As an example from my own dating life, I fell in love with a guy who I thought was "the one." There were "signs" all over the place.  And as I look back on it, I took things and made them into signs more than I'd like to admit because I was so head-over-heels and I SO wanted him to be "the one." I prayed about it, I felt like my answer was yes, he was who God wanted me to be with. Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't understand why we weren't going to end up together. I mean, everything I knew pointed to him. I prayed about it, the signs were there, everything. But nonetheless he was not meant to be "the one" for me after all. Long story short I feel like God had told me yes still, but you can't control other's use of their own free will and agency. If he had chosen to keep his promises to me, and act on what he knew was right and be the man who I was going to spend my life with it would have been a yes. But he chose not to. And I couldn't change that. God won't force anyone, it isn't His way. He places people, answers to prayers, and opportunities in our lives for us, it's up to us what we do with them.

The funny thing is, I probably got as many, if not more, signs pointing away from this boy, telling me it wasn't a good idea. But because I was in love and took other silly things as "signs" I ignored the real ones telling me I should just walk away. I have seen it happen with my friends too. When you find someone who you are interested in it becomes easy to focus on these "signs" that we should be with this person... 

i.e. they like the same music, they have the same goals, they share the same beliefs, they treat you with respect, they say things you like, etc. 

It makes it more confusing if things sour between the two of you. You wonder why the signs were there in the first place. You doubt whether signs exist at all.

But I believe they do exist, for good and for bad. I just think we misread them or give them way too much credit too quickly, without really getting to know someone first . Because the truth is you WILL find guys who like the same "bizarro crap" you do. You WILL find guys you have great chemistry with. You WILL want to take every little detail and make it into a sign because you really like them. BUT that doesn't make them your soul mate. It doesn't mean that you won't find it again. Use caution and see people for who they really are, and how they really  treat you. Look for the signs that are not only endearing, but enduring. Things that will last a lifetime and beyond. Don't just follow your heart blindly, you're head needs to go along for the ride as well.

He's Just Not That Into You

Has anyone ever seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? Ok, if you haven't, and you are a female, and if you have ever dated or ever intend to date in the future, you need to NOW.
I remember the first time I watched it I felt pretty uncomfortable because I identified with a lot of the scenarios they portray in that movie. I remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks when Alex told Gigi that if a guy wants to be with you, call you, see you, etc, he will make the effort. No exceptions. It definitely hit a chord with me when I thought to myself of my current situation: being in an on and off again relationship with a guy who made little to no effort to be with me. He would say he would call, but never did. If we were texting, he would either wait hours to respond, or just did not do it at all. He "fit me into his schedule" whenever it suited him. Even if that meant me sitting on the couch and watching him and his friend play Halo for 3 hours. Real "quality" time there I tell ya *insert eye roll.*  I didn't want to believe that his behavior could just be for the plain and simple fact that
he was just not that into me, at least not enough to care/treat me like he did.

Observe:

It's a very tough pill to swallow, but once you do it makes life so much better.  You no longer feel the need to wait by the phone hoping he will actually text you when he said he would. You no longer wonder why he isn't calling, you just say

 "Oh well, HIS LOSS," and move on.

Because you see, if you think about it, is that really the kind of relationship that you want?

To be somebody's back up? To only see them when it is convenient for them? For them to float in and out of your life as it pleases them? To be strung along? To be treated like your feelings don't matter? To get your hopes up that "he's changed" just for him to let you down AGAIN?

I don't think so!

I know, I am sad to say I accepted this treatment before. I convinced myself to stick with a guy who I had fallen for, but did not treat me well.  I always stuck around, hoping that he'd change, or what's worse, trying to change him. 

It took the final straw of him breaking my heart into a million pieces that I decided I deserved better. And so does everyone! 

If you find yourself making excuses about the behavior of someone you like to other people, or even to yourself, something is wrong.
You shouldn't have to make excuses for someone's mistreatment of you. There should be no mistreatment in the first place.
The simple truth is that if a guy is into you, he will get off his butt and make the effort that is required to date you. He will make the effort to see you. He will treat you with care and respect. He will keep promises. He won't string you along. He won't play games. He won't waste your time.
Your time and your feelings don't deserve to be wasted on somebody who doesn't treat you right.  It's that simple. Don't accept treatment that belittles you. Don't make excuses for someone's bad behavior. Walk away and find somebody who WILL treat you right.Period.