Red Flags

Disclaimer:

If you read this post and you recognize any of these things in your current relationship, something is probably wrong, and you just might to run in the opposite direction.

Funny thing happened not too long ago that has gotten me thinking a lot lately: recently my biggest ex has gotten in touch with me again. It has actually happened quite often in the 2+ years since the breakup HE initiated. And sometimes, I am sad to say, I have found myself thinking, "what if we would get back together?" Then I start thinking about our relationship and not just how horribly it ended, but how horrible it was while I was in it. And a lot of times I didn't even realize, or didn't want to, just how bad things were.  Then I get these vivid reminders of little things that were really signs of huge issues. You know- those little inklings you get that something isnt't right. Those feelings you get that you push aside because you don't want them to be true. Those tough truths. I am talking about those 

RED FLAGS.

 Now, contrary to what you might think, a lot of these red flags are subtle, they don't grab your attention like other red flags do- you know, cheating, lying, etc. These are the things that are easier to defend and explain away. Things like:

COMPROMISE (not the good kind)

You know, when your significant other wants you to do things that you are uncomfortable with, wanting you to compromise on the things that are important to you. This can be simple things like talking you into watching a movie you think is vulgar, to wanting to push the physical boundaries you have set. I am a Christian girl, and I made the choice long ago to wait until marriage for sex. My ex knew this, said he was the same way, but at the same time he wanted to push things, little by little. He was always trying to talk me into flashing or something else (pshyeah, clearly he respected me and my body *eye roll*). Obviously I did not want to do these things, they were things I was strongly against, but he would use it as a bargaining tool. He wouldn't even kiss me, but he wanted to see my exposed breasts, how does that make sense?! RED FLAG.

HAVING TO DEFEND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

One of the biggest things I remember from when this ex and I broke up is that after it happened my little sister said to me,

 "I never liked him. I hate to say it, but I saw this coming." 

I was shocked. And at the same time, I believed her because I constantly had to defend my boyfriend's behavior to her and everyone else that knew us.

It totally reminded me of on Valentine's Day (spoiler alert) where Ashton Kutcher's fiance breaks up with him and he is talking about it with his best friend, Jennifer Garner. He asked her if she really  thought that his fiance was right for him. She began to sugar coat her feelings but after he asked for her complete honesty she told him that no, she did not think they were a good match. She always thought something was wrong. He in turn was trying to warn her that something was wrong with the current relationship she was in (the guy was married!). He said:

"That's what I'm doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way but nobody had the guts to tell me! And now I am left with [...] an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told me."

If you find yourself defending the actions of your significant other to your friends and family, there is something wrong. You only feel the need to defend wrong actions, because hey, you feel defensive, and there's a reason!

  If they were treating you right and doing right things, there would be nothing to defend. 

BAD WITH MONEY/ A JOB JUMPER

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be supporting a deadbeat. My dream guy definitely isn't the type who sits on his butt and isn't willing to treat me to dinner and other special treats every once in a while. With my ex, there were MANY instances of this, but one particular one sticks out in my mind. I remember he was obsessed with gun shows and we would go to them together every now and then. There was one almost 4 hours away that he decided he wanted to go to and invited me along. When we ended up taking my car the 8 hour drive(after planning on him being the one to drive) he acted like he was at least going to help chip in for gas, but when we pulled up to the pump he asked for MY card and I shelled out the money for the whole trip. Not to mention the car overheated and needed serious repairs. Did he offer to help with the cost at all? Not one bit. But he was sure to shell out hundreds on himself buying knick-knacks when we got to the show. Not very gentlemanly if you ask me...

or kind

 or thoughtful

or something indicative of someone who is responsible 

or something anyone should have to put up with.

Chances are if someone is really irresponsible with money, they aren't very responsible or reliable in a lot of areas of life.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for a shopping spree or an unexpected splurge every now and then, but if someone is unwilling to hold a job, pay bills, pick up the check, etc, something is wrong.

There are so many red flags to be aware of in relationships and dating. It can be overwhelming. But I am not saying to live in paranoia. I am not recommending giving your life over to skepticism and cynicism. I am not saying to expect perfection. I AM saying to be careful. I am saying to pay attention to those little things, those inklings, those feelings that tell you something is off.  That you should be willing to look at things differently. That you need to know that you are worth more than poor treatment. You don't have to ignore red flags and put up with treatment in a relationship that is not loving, kind, thoughtful, or respectful. 

Red flags are there for a reason. Pay attention, and don't take them down just because you don't want them to get in your view of someone you perceive as, or wish was good.