You know what? I HATE the word "just." I don't really think it ever bothered me until I started dating...
"JUST wait, he'll call!"
"He's gonna ask you out, JUST you wait..."
blah blah blah...
But I think I really started hating it after getting dumped. It seems like a harmless, everyday 4 letter word. But when thrown in random, half-hearted pep talks from friends, family, and sadly, acquaintances & co workers that barely know you, it is far from harmless. It's downright hurtful and insulting.
If you have a friend who is going through a break up, I beg you, PLEASE do not let any of the phrases slip out of your mouth, no matter how well-intentioned.
"JUST GET OVER IT"
Telling someone who has just had their heart broken to "just get over it" is one of the most hurtful things you can say. It cheapens the confusion, anger, and pain they are going though. Like it is something as simple as a spill...just clean it up, the mess is gone, no one will know it ever happened.
Easy. Simple. Clean. Quick. Sorry, but that is not the way it works. Everyone going through a break up is going to take the time they individually need to heal from the hurt and the loss. Some people are faster than others, it depends on the length and depth of the relationship. So take that into account and don't try to make them feel like they shouldn't be hurting, even after (blank) amount of time. Which leads to...
"YOU JUST NEED TO GET BACK OUT THERE"
This one is not only stupid, but dangerous. When you get a small cut on your finger, do you take out a knife and cut a little deeper to make it better? No. You get a band-aid and slap that sucker on and let the bleeding stop. Sometimes it takes a while to heal. And it can leave a scar. See where I'm going with this? When a relationship ends there's obvious hurt and loneliness involved. There is the temptation to get right back out there and jump into a relationship with the next available human to assuage the hurt, to fill the gap left by someone who walked away. Trust me, I've tried that, and it was a huge mistake. Just talk to my mom who had to talk me down on the phone as I was bawling, hyperventilating, and having a very scary panic attack driving home from my first date "back out there." Sadly, that is how I learned it was too soon for me to try and date again, and it is how a lot of people learn. But, everyone needs to learn on their own and not feel pressure from their friends and family telling them THEY JUST NEED TO GET BACK OUT THERE. Everyone is going to take different amounts of time, and that is OKAY. Don't make them feel like they are broken (they are probably already feeling that way without you telling them) because they don't feel ready in what you think is an appropriate amount of time to put their heart on the line again.
"TIME WILL HEAL ALL WOUNDS, JUST YOU WAIT"
Ok, yes, I admit, time helps when healing a broken heart, mostly because memories fade. The shooting pain gets replaced with a dull ache, then eventually gets lessened to a slight pang every now and again. But the tricky part about time is...how do you know when it's been enough? Jimmy got dumped, he seemed to feel ok within a month or two. Lisa was torn up for about 6 months after ending her relationship. Suzy said she was fine after a few weeks. And you know what? That's great for Jimmy, Lisa, and Suzy. But you cannot measure what is right for you based on what is right for someone else. That only leads to frustration. Don't put a timetable on hurt, and don't put a timetable on healing. Everyone is on their own timetable for these things. AND THAT'S OKAY. Nobody needs to be made to feel rushed or guilty or faulty because they aren't healing as fast as others.
To sum up part one : never use the word "just" when pep-talking someone. Don't make people feel bad for how long they need to heal. Don't try to fix broken hearts by throwing them in with another one too soon.
Instead: go buy some tissues, candy, ice cream, chocolate, aroma therapy candles, a nice card and go be with your friend prepared to cry, support, and talk as much as needed.
