He's Just Not That Into You

Has anyone ever seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? Ok, if you haven't, and you are a female, and if you have ever dated or ever intend to date in the future, you need to NOW.
I remember the first time I watched it I felt pretty uncomfortable because I identified with a lot of the scenarios they portray in that movie. I remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks when Alex told Gigi that if a guy wants to be with you, call you, see you, etc, he will make the effort. No exceptions. It definitely hit a chord with me when I thought to myself of my current situation: being in an on and off again relationship with a guy who made little to no effort to be with me. He would say he would call, but never did. If we were texting, he would either wait hours to respond, or just did not do it at all. He "fit me into his schedule" whenever it suited him. Even if that meant me sitting on the couch and watching him and his friend play Halo for 3 hours. Real "quality" time there I tell ya *insert eye roll.*  I didn't want to believe that his behavior could just be for the plain and simple fact that
he was just not that into me, at least not enough to care/treat me like he did.

Observe:

It's a very tough pill to swallow, but once you do it makes life so much better.  You no longer feel the need to wait by the phone hoping he will actually text you when he said he would. You no longer wonder why he isn't calling, you just say

 "Oh well, HIS LOSS," and move on.

Because you see, if you think about it, is that really the kind of relationship that you want?

To be somebody's back up? To only see them when it is convenient for them? For them to float in and out of your life as it pleases them? To be strung along? To be treated like your feelings don't matter? To get your hopes up that "he's changed" just for him to let you down AGAIN?

I don't think so!

I know, I am sad to say I accepted this treatment before. I convinced myself to stick with a guy who I had fallen for, but did not treat me well.  I always stuck around, hoping that he'd change, or what's worse, trying to change him. 

It took the final straw of him breaking my heart into a million pieces that I decided I deserved better. And so does everyone! 

If you find yourself making excuses about the behavior of someone you like to other people, or even to yourself, something is wrong.
You shouldn't have to make excuses for someone's mistreatment of you. There should be no mistreatment in the first place.
The simple truth is that if a guy is into you, he will get off his butt and make the effort that is required to date you. He will make the effort to see you. He will treat you with care and respect. He will keep promises. He won't string you along. He won't play games. He won't waste your time.
Your time and your feelings don't deserve to be wasted on somebody who doesn't treat you right.  It's that simple. Don't accept treatment that belittles you. Don't make excuses for someone's bad behavior. Walk away and find somebody who WILL treat you right.Period.

Perfect On Paper

(image source)

When I was about 16 and attending church, I remember during a lesson one Sunday in my Young Women's class (which consisted of all the girls in my church who were 12-18 years old) we were talking about what we wanted in our future spouses. We were then handed pieces of paper and told to take a few minutes and write down a few things we would like to see in our future husbands.  It didn't take me long to compile a rather lengthy list of "qualities" I wanted in my future husband...

Handsome
Funny
Goes to my Church
Likes my music...
Goes to concerts

etc, etc

It was easy to think of things that would make up my "Dream Guy."  At the time I was "kind of dating" a guy who went to my church, (you know-the awkward, teenage pre-everyonehasacellphoneandcantextastheyplease era and we would see each at her in school,church, and "hang out" every now and again after classes but happened to have major crushes on each other type of dating).  I didn't really think too much about my list, or, for that matter, anything really other than the fact that I found this boy SUPER hot and we always seemed to have tons of fun together. Plus, he seemed to like me back! So it was a no-brainer right? Yeah... not so much. Shortly after we started "hang-out-dating" I found out things about this boy that I did not like at all. Things that were definitely deal breakers....( i.e. things like drug use and the complete betrayal and dishonesty that comes with it). I would like to say that I ran for the hills and never looked back. But he had those green-ish eyes and that shy, flirty smile, and HE LIKED ME BACK. The dream guy list was thrown out the window as I dated this boy for years, which led to more suffering, heartache, and loss than I knew I could possibly endure, but that's another story for another post (or several).

I (mistakenly) started dating right away after the break up from this green-eyed boy, sadly falling into the same type of trap...

Cute?..check
Seems to like me back?...check

and sad to say that's about where it ended. I didn't really care about the details. Because if a guy likes you back that's all that really matters right?! WRONG.
It took me a little while to realize that I get to choose what types of qualities are important to me. What things I am ok with and what things I am not willing to budge on. I found my teenage "Future Husband Qualities" list and decided I needed to make a new one. I realized how superficial most of the things on my list were, and that after years of dating I had come to know what things were really important to me, and what things were not-so-important.
For example, I don't think it's important if my dream guy listens to the exact same type of music I do. Would it be cool if we had similar tastes and could share the exact same music collection? You bet. But is that going to help him treat me with love and respect? At the end of the day is that what is going to have him kneel and pray with me before we go to sleep? No. What WILL make him do that is what's important to me-which is that he loves God with his whole heart. And by so doing his whole life reflects that.
Would I like it for my husband to love going to concerts as much as I do? Of course! But is that a deal breaker? Is that what makes him a good man, with a good, honest, and gentle heart? No. What would be a deal-breaker is if he were selfish and unwilling to support me in my hobbies, just as it would be selfish of me not to support him in his.

Last year I dated a guy who I thought could be my dream guy. If I would have written down the list of things he had to offer he would have been PERFECT ON PAPER.

Driven
Hard Worker
Goes to my church
Loves God
Has a good job
Great chemistry
and BONUS
Super Tall (I swoon for tall guys)
In the medical profession (sexy right?)
Brought me flowers
Planned amazing and fun dates

Even as I write that I am like WHY DIDN'T IT WORK OUT/WHY DID I END IT? Gah. Well, people can be perfect on paper but when it comes down to it, that doesn't make for the "perfect" relationship (yeah, there are no such things as perfect relationships, just ones that are perfect for you).
In the end, I chose to walk away from Mr. Tallmedstudent. As weird as it sounds there were some red flags and something ended up just not clicking, even after several months of dating. And thanks to past experience, I have learned to pay attention to red flags, because they are there for a reason.

Another guy I dated in the past few years had several of these "perfect on paper" qualities. And we tried our hand at dating several times. BUT when it came down to it, I just wasn't falling for him. I didn't see him in the way I SO wanted to see him. Because I thought
"heck, good guys are hard to come by" and "this guy is a GOOD guy and treated me so well."
 But something was missing. I remember talking to my mom trying to explain why I wasn't into him, because even as I was trying to explain why it didn't make sense, he seemed to be everything I was looking for.

I remember saying, "I don't know, Mom, I just don't like him."
She looked at me and replied, "And you don't have to."
It can be that simple.

My mom's simple statement has helped changed my view of dating. I realized that I had crossed a line between dating guys just because they liked me, to realizing what's important and dating good guys, then far over the line to the extreme of feeling like I HAD to date certain guys because they were good guys.

  Do you have to like someone because they seem to be a good guy? Do you have to create a relationship with someone who fits into your "perfect" list just because he does fit the bill? No way.
I tried and tried to convince myself to like this guy. I tried to create feelings that weren't really there. But when it comes down to it
Would I want someone to have to CONVINCE himself to like me?
Definitely not.
Things and people can seem perfect on paper but it's important to pay attention to your heart and use your head.
I am not saying to throw caution to the wind and forget what's important to you. I am not saying to stick to a list or not stick to a list. I am saying to give people chances, but if things aren't right, they aren't right. Period. I believe God uses inklings and red flags like this to direct us to what is right and away from what is not. I think it is a good thing to make a list to keep you focused on what you are striving for. But I also think it's a good thing not to pay so much attention to sticking to the "perfect on paper" list that you're forgetting real life, and how somebody is really treating you, and how you really feel about them in the grand scheme of things. Because goodness knows, you can't capture that on paper.

The Grass is Greener

The Grass is Greener

Lately I've seen a lot of posts regarding topics such as, "Sorry married people, but being single is actually better" or "Sorry single people, being married is actually better". Each time I see a post like this I think to myself, 'I didn't know it was a competition!?' Then I read the comments under these posts and it's literally just one giant argument. There are so many people out there trying to defend their case and prove that they are, in fact, the happier person. 
But the truth is, you can actually be happy in either situation, 

and that's okay!

 

"THE GRASS IS GREENER

WHERE YOU WATER IT."

-Neil Barringham 

I think the real issue here is insecurity. We play these "I'm better than you" games to overcompensate for what we are really feeling on the inside. Maybe the real deal is the fact that each side sees something in the other that they want. 

The single person looks at a married couple and wishes for that intimacy. They may long for a companion, but they don't want to seem desperate and lonely so they try to act strong.  The married person may look at the single person and miss the times that they were able to be selfish and completely independent. In response to those feelings, they try to remind themselves of all the good things that they have now that they are committed to someone. This helps them justify the fact that they gave up a little bit of their independence for a selfless commitment. 

Overall, both the single person and the married person may not be completely unhappy with their lives; But a person who is truly content with their spot in life is not going want to play the comparison game.

A person who is truly content with their spot in life is not going want to play the comparison game.

It may not even be a matter of jealousy or insecurity. Another reason as to why people may act this way is the fact that they aren't trying to see the other side. That's so great that you think your life is the bomb-diggity! Just keep in mind that not everyone has the same preferences. Maybe the single person really does enjoy being free, spontaneous, and self reliant. And just maybe they can't imagine ever being "tied down" to a committed relationship... It's just not for them.  Maybe the married person really does love waking up next to the love of their life everyday. And maybe they couldn't ever handle the thought of being alone. That lifestyle just isn't their fit. Just because you don't prefer to live your life in the same ways doesn't give you the right to act like you are better than the other person for it. Why can't we all just get along and be happy for each other?

You can find contentment through any walk of life. It's all a matter of perspective. The moment that you stop focusing on your blessings and start thinking about what others have is when you become unhappy. It's okay to be a completely happy single person, and it is also okay to be completely content in a marriage. 

All in all, we need to enjoy the little things in our lives and count our blessings.  

Stop trying to prove yourself to everyone. When it all comes down to it, the only person who can give you a true sense of validity is yourself, but only if you 

have the right mindset.  

When you stop getting wrapped up in how other people are living their lives and start doing what makes you happy instead, that is when you can truly enjoy life. 

The Tale of THE Most Awkward Blind Date

Anyone ever been on a blind date? How did it go? Was he cute? Was there good conversation? Any sparks? Or was it so completely and utterly awkward that you and your family & friends still laugh about it 5 years later? Yeaaaah....so...

A few years ago when my sister was in college, I, for some STRANGE reason (which I still do not understand), let my sister convince me to go to a college dance with her.  She said that she and her ex boyfriend had found a date for me already, all I had to do was come. Hmmm...

Red flag number one.

Well, I should have considered the fact that my sister's psycho EX was the one setting me up with a date, and that's really not the best idea in the first place. 

 Red flag number two.

Not to mention, going on a double date with your sister, her ex, and a complete stranger just MIGHT be a little awkward in and of itself. 

Red flag number three.

But, I went down in faith that it was going to be a fun, memorable night! 

                                                                                                     ....Well, it WAS memorable.

After going on an educational day trip with my sister, her ex, and their horrible,erratic driver of a professor, we came back to my sister's apartment to get ready for the dance.  I was barely getting over my lingering carsickness from the day's trip with the nutty professor, but I managed to get ready and feel semi-okay.  Then I overheard my sister and her ex on the phone talking.... and it turns out my sister's ex met my date... at a construction site.  

Red flag number four.

After having a slight freak out and telling my sister I no longer wanted to go and trying to get out of it, my sister's ex and my date showed up.  This is the part of the story where I would love to say that he was tall, dark, handsome, mysteriously sexy, and tanned from his long hours in the sun working, and that all of my anxiety over going out with this construction-site-find-of-a stranger was erased. 

                                                Well...he was at least 2 inches shorter than me, very shy, and barely spoke a lick of English.   

Red flag number five.

Needless to say the night was full of awkward silences, saying "I'm sorry, what was that?," awkward slow dances looking down at my date, and trying to understand each other over the loud music and obvious language barrier. AWK.WARD.NESS.  

Now, my sister and I laugh until we cry about that night.  And now I know: Never let your sister's ex set you up with a blind date. And if you, for some reason do, make SURE they speak your language.

The Soul Mate Theory

The Soul Mate Theory

"When you know, you'll know..." 

 I know when people use this phrase, they mean no harm at all, but it still makes me cringe a little bit when I hear it come out of someone's mouth. A lot of engaged and newly married people tend to say this and I don't think they realize how it can come off to a single person. It's so easy to say those words once you've finally settled down with someone. What if someone truly though that they "knew", but then it all fell apart? Are you discrediting that person's feelings? To me, it's an awfully bold thing to say. You are basically stating that you could predict how your future was going to play out. Honestly, I don't think it's about "knowing" or about finally crossing paths with "the one". 

The way I see it, it's less about fate
and much more about finding someone who is
into the same flavor of life. 

I think that there are multiple people out there that you could meet and find compatibility. And if the environment is right, then you could make it work in a committed relationship and maybe even turn it into marriage. BUT, love is a two way street. You both need to be in the right timing, and have the same goals to make it work. If one is all in, and the other is not, then things just aren't going to flow. When you finally come across someone that recognizes "hey, she's my style of person!",  and you both decide to stick it out for the long-run, that is when it works. I believe that up until you tie the knot with someone, anyone could potentially be your soul mate. BUT, once you get married, you are sealing that bond and (hopefully) signing up for a lifetime of commitment, through thick and thin. When this happens, congratulations, you've officially gained a soul mate!

As a little bit of a background, I will give you the very abridged version of my last relationship. I met this guy completely out of the blue. It was long distance, but we instantly hit it off. It really seemed like God had led the two of us to meet each other. I remember within the first two weeks I was crazy about him. Over the next few months we were talking every night, all night long on the phone and through skype. When we would visit each other, it was like nothing else in the world existed. Everything felt right, we even talked about marriage and kid's names. He told me that he really felt that I was meant to be his wife. I remember thinking to myself on a daily basis, "Wow, he is going to be my husband, I've finally found him!" I remember getting down on the floor, overwhelmed with gratitude, and thanking God for bringing him into my life. Every time I prayed about it, it felt right. Him and I would pray about it together and we both said it felt right. It was the ideal picture of love, in my mind, and I was so sure we were on the straight track to getting engaged. More time passed by and things rapidly started changing. He became very distant and when I asked him what was wrong, he basically told me that God took away his feelings for me and then, in a blink, he just dropped off the face of the earth. We never really got to talk it out or have closure. He was just gone.

"THE ONE"

In general, I feel that we put way too much weight behind those two words. Now before you get too upset at me, I promise I'm not out on some personal vendetta against all people in love. Trust me, that's the last thing I am trying to do! I am just trying to put my perspective out there. As a mid 20's single lady who has been in love twice, I just view things from a different angle.

Both times that I was in love, I remember thinking things like, "Wow, I can't wait to grow old with him!" or "This is the man that I want to marry!"  Obviously, now that I look back, neither of those things are going to happen with either of them. But at the time, I was so sure that I would spend all of eternity with them. Does that mean that I wasn't in love, or didn't know what I was feeling at the time? No. I did love both of them in different ways, and a piece of my heart will always have a little bit of love reserved for them. They are a part of who I am today.

 

I believe that there are different types of love and that the dynamics of love can change over time. I also believe that if and when I do marry someone, it will be the best kind of love that I've experienced yet. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in infatuation and compatibility. You could be completely smitten over someone at first, but over time as the layers start to peel back, things may change. This is why I want to debunk the "When you know, you'll know" phrase. It just simply not a fair statement. A lot of factors come into play whenever you are in a relationship. Things like timing, emotional issues, maturity, and unexpected curveballs can all affect the outcome of a relationship and determine whether it lives or dies. Sometimes things just aren't meant to happen, and that's okay. Just because it didn't work out, doesn't mean that the love wasn't real. At the time, you truly thought they were for you. 

But the thing is, we just can't know.

As a christian, I feel that sometimes my fellow christian peers are the worst offenders of this. We get so wrapped up in finding "the one" that God has set apart for us. Some christians talk about their future hypothetical spouses like there is one person on the face of the earth that is meant for them;  like there is this one and only guy out there somewhere twiddling his thumbs and waiting to meet you some day, "but he's just not ready yet". Sorry if this comes off a little blunt, but what if that person dies? Or what if they make a bad choice and go in the opposite direction? What if you go in the wrong direction? What if you cross paths but no one makes a move and you never see each other again? Well then, I guess you're just stuck being single forever then. Sorry about your luck!

Okay so yeah, maybe sometimes God does put people in our lives with the intentions of having something good come out of it. But there is still one major factor coming into play that we tend to forget about. It's a little something called free will. I don't think God is out to control our every move in life; I think that he just desires us to try our hardest to follow his will and try to walk down a path that is pleasing to him. He may put certain people in our lives with good intentions, but it is still ultimately up to both people and their free will to make it work. Just like I believe that God did put my ex in my life with the intention of us having a good thing together, but although I was fully on board with the plan, he chose to not stick it out. I think that there is more than one God-loving, good hearted man out there that could work for you, and that God would be completely happy to see you with. All that God cares about is that you honor him in your relationship. I think that if He see's that a couple is honoring him, He will bless that relationship in different ways. This can make it seem like God had set the two of you apart for each other all along.

So the bottom line is, yes, ultimately I do believe that your spouse becomes your soul mate. But I just don't want to see my fellow single ladies getting so wrapped up in trying to find their "one".  Get out there and scope out your surroundings. Keep your options open and your emotions in check. Just try not to be so hard on yourself and keep in mind that we can't always control the outcome. Sometimes there is nothing you could have done to make him stay because he has free will. But that's the beauty of it. One day, someone will use their free will and decide they want to stay. So just keep in mind that if the last one didn't work out, or maybe even the next one doesn't work out, you don't have to give up hope! There will be someone come along down the line that will see your value, and it will make him fall in love with you, and he will stick it out.